When Life Gets Messy

How to change a life with $12

2011-12-29T00:17:00.001-05:00

Have you ever seen a life changed by $12? I have.
There is a trend in our world these days where major international corporations are spending more and more of their advertising on “social” issues. This Christmas we saw as a major drink retailer told us that we should buy THEIR product because they are going to spend more money than you or I will see in our lifetimes to help the Polar Bears of the Arctic. The commercials show the mama bear’s struggle to survive among the melting ice cap.
It isn’t made clear exactly HOW sending our money to them will reverse the global warming responsible for those 2 little cubs struggle, But, we get a warm fuzzy feeling, and the big drink company gets to look like heroes. Last year, I would have thought, “oh that is nice”, and proceeded to buy that drink because it is what I usually buy, but feel just a little better knowing I was making a ‘difference’. I mean, who is Laura, and how can my $12.00 make a difference to anyone? So if by buying my usual product, I can contribute to the greater good… heck why not? Right?
That was the old me…this year, the new me has to resist the urge to scream at the movie screen “that is great for the polar bears, but what about all the children starving right this moment”. You see, in November I spent some time in Nepal, and we came face to face with people in dire straits- Poverty unlike anything we would ever encounter here in North America. We walked streets of a city where for the price of a beautiful meal in Canada, a pastor can feed his family for a month. In some senses, it is wonderful to know that just a little contribution from my pocket can make an exponentially larger impact than the same amount here. And yet, no matter how much you give, there will never be enough. You could drop suitcases full of Rupees from the sky, and somehow, this sin-sick world we live in would find a way to still destroy lives. Addiction, pain, poverty, corruption, caste systems and a bad economy always seem to win out.
During our travels, I was able to keep somewhat objective about what we were seeing. In an attempt to not become crippled by it, I held myself at arm’s length, keeping my heart safe from a burden that seemed too big. We discussed the theological response to poverty and pain, we debated different ways to assist, and whether the things that we did do were beneficial long-term or not. In all this though, I was untouched in the deepest places of my heart. Don’t misunderstand, I yearned to do more, to have more to give, mostly though, I wanted to see my brothers and sisters in Christ be able to navigate through what they were seeing. I wasn’t all that concerned about my lack of brokenness, I chalked it up to “its not my gifting”. I see that others have a deep and abiding passion to reach into the lives of the poor, the broken, and the orphaned and bring love, food and prayer to their garbage strewn alleyways.
I thought it wasn’t my gifting……And then Bikash stole my heart. One little boy, looking wistfully into the window of a café stole away all sense that this was someone else’s responsibility. Right there before me was “the least of these”. I wouldn’t have been able to identify that in the moment, I just knew I had to act. I got him something to eat out of that café, and began to talk to him. I learned that he is one of the “lucky” ones. He and his brother work at night picking up trash to sell. They have parents who love them, and a home, and they get to go to school during the day. More than some, there is hope for these little boys. Life is brutally hard, but there is hope. God did a work in me that night, on the streets of Kathmandu. I gave him some money so that he didn’t have to work that night ($5.00), prayed for him, and sent him on his way hopefully to spend a warm safe night at home.
Bikash received about $12.00 worth of food and cash that night, and I walked away a different person.
In the moment, I felt like I had done the right thing, I felt as though God had been glorified, and that was our goal. What I couldn’t know was that something fundamental had changed in me.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I believe that God ‘sees the little sparrow fall’ and cares about its wounds. I know that the plight of the Polar Bear and what we are doing to this creation that He has entrusted us with likely breaks his heart. I am glad that more and more companies are doing responsible things… and yet how much credit do we need to give the company who ‘sacrifices’ less than .02% of their ADVERTISING budget (not even revenues) to help creatures in the north?
I am convinced that given the choice of working on behalf of the Polar Bears, or fighting for the good of humanity, people should get my $12.00…every time!

Weakness & Mercy

2011-12-13T10:31:00.001-05:00

No one likes Monday... I don’t really either, and yet it is wonderful!

I LOVE anything that gives me a fresh opportunity. A new school year, a new house, a new daytimer with nothing written in it yet. It represents to me freshness and opportunities. I tend to be a sweeping changes type person. When I get…. I will…. Each time I looked ahead to my leave from overseas, I would imagine a wonderful time in which I would get up every morning early, do devotions and then run… come home to a healthy breakfast and a new outlook. Inevitably, my craving for greasy pizza would take over and I was done! Then again, toward the end of my vacation, the same thing… I will change my life by changing my circumstances etc.

Lamentations 3:21
This I recall to my mind therefore have I hope.
22It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. -KJV

The good news is that a fresh week or day or year or month DOES hold unlimited opportunities. Yes, there are realities of past experiences, there are circumstances that we cannot just turn the calendar and have them disappear. And yet, we serve a God whose mercy is NEW EVERY MORNING. That means… each day God has put aside all that went before it. The mistakes and sins are as if it never happened in the eyes of God. Each day I have the opportunity to make a completely Fresh Start. It is us who tie ourselves to our past.

PSALM 103: 9-14
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbour his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

HE REMEBERS that we are dust. How freeing is that? We have these expectations of ourselves to meet the expectations of those around us. Yes, the calling is HIGH. And yet, the one who called us is well aware of our weakness.

The Cross was the answer for our weakness. God knew that in our “dustiness” that we would never be able to live up to the standard.

Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

So we turn to God, not in our strength, but in our weakness. It is then, that God says “OK… my dusty child… lets work on this. In MY strength. You don’t have to do it alone. “

Our world has a MASSIVE aversion to weakness. We have become a society obsessed with not showing weakness. We are all walking around hoping to hide our weaknesses from one another, and in doing so, when we see weaknesses in each other, our reactions are so strong because if I can see your weakness, perhaps you can see mine. So, like wounded animals, we attack each other in our weakest moments.; gossip, judgment and almost every reality TV show is about exposing one another’s weakness.

I think that God loves to expose our weaknesses. Not to leave us vulnerable to attack, but in order to show us where He is standing and fighting on our behalf.

Recently I travelled with some amazing friends. Two weeks in exotic, challenging situations. Inevitably, weaknesses were exposed. One of our friends- who is about as tough as they come- inadvertently revealed a ‘concern for the safety’ of suspension bridges. His words spoke of his “concern for the safety of….” but his face, demeanour and reluctance told us another story. He was fearful. It was a chink in his armour that was so incongruent with the rest of him, that it was almost comical. As his friends we had a choice to make. With some good-natured ribbing we ventured across leaving him on the other side to face his’ concern’. We didn’t make a big deal about it. We simply carried on our way, knowing that he would get across the bridge safely – he just needed some space. Throughout the trip we were faced with more than a few opportunities to see each other’s weaknesses. And I came to a discovery…

IT IS AN HONOUR TO COVER ONE ANOTHER’S WEAKNESS!

When you love someone as much as we love each other, and are seeking the best for one another, it is not a problem to cover each other. From motion sickness, to financial weakness, to language challenges in a foreign nation, we each had weaknesses that surfaced and in response the group brought its unique gifting to each situation, covered the weakness, and all were better for it. How much more… God?

Matthew 12:12How much more valuable is a person than a sheep!

Luke 11:13If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

Luke 12:24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!

Luke 12:28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!

Romans 5:9Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him!

Romans 5:10For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

Romans 5:15But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many!

Romans 5:17For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!

I want to entrust God with my weaknesses. I want to be someone who takes God at His word, that His mercies are new every morning. I want to move through my day each day knowing that God has removed my transgressions from me. I want to live in the shadow of the cross moment by moment, by moment.

So next time you turn the page in your daytimer and see the freshness, and remeber that He remembers we are DUST! And embrace Monday!

Will I answer the call??

2011-10-11T23:36:00.003-04:00

Each time I watch a movie like Schindler's List, or Hotel Rwanda, I come face to face with a bit of myself. I ALWAYS wonder... would I be one who would risk my family and my life to help others? Would I be willing to flaunt the law to protect those who are being persecuted? Or would I close my eyes and rationalize away my own protectionism? Would I have the eyes to see the bigger evils at stake? The Germans in WWII didn't flip a switch and start murdering Jews, there was an insidious campaign that took time to reveal it's true intent.

Would I see it? Would I stand with those who DO see it and help them, or would I lock my doors and huddle in my living room watching it all on CNN?

My brave self says Yes! I would be like them! I would fling open the doors, face the rebels and protect the victims with the strength of my beliefs. And yet... too often when someone is dying in front of me, I turn away. I don't give them the help they desperately need. When some one's life is clearly under attack by an enemy I can easily identify, but choose to say nothing, they cannot protect themselves.

I am not talking about the physical world, I doubt very many of us would actually turn away. I am talking about the spiritual world. The people all around us are dying, they are under attack. They are busy living their lives not realizing what is coming their way, or worse, they are resigned to their fate.

Isn't that what we as Christians believe? That everyone who has not received Christ is destined for a holocaust?

And yet, SO many times, as Christians we have been taught (rightly in some ways) to keep our lives unsullied by the things of the world.... yet in doing that, are we closing our doors to the refugees? To those who need shelter? "the least of these?".

If this world truly is NOT our home as the Bible teaches, (The IF comes not from the truth of the Bible, but the IF is about our beliefs) then don't we have a privilege of obligation to open up our doors, and risk that which isn't even ours for the good of those around us?

How would our lives and conduct change if we could actually see the enemy as in 1 Peter 5:8?

Be sober-minded;be watchful. Youradversary the devil prowls aroundlike a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ⁹Resist him,firm in your faith, knowing thatthe same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

My prayer is that when I encounter people who don't know God, whose lives are under attack, that I would have the courage, and the willingness to open the door to my heart, and stand alongside them in the battle and shelter them from those who would see to destroy them.

This dirty, gritty walk flows counter to the pretty self-esteem building message that so many of us are fed in our North American churches. Let's not forget, Jesus' message was dangerous, it was heavy and it called people to risk their lives for its sake. When was the last time you (I say to myself) risked anything but your 'pride' to reach out to those who are dying?

Smells like Smoke

2011-09-29T01:06:00.002-04:00

I wish... I REALLY wish sometimes that when God decides to turn up the heat to burn off more of the copious dross in my life, that there would be a quick heads up... maybe a brief whiff of smoke that would grab my attention. I have many memories as a kid of my parents when they thought they smelled smoke. ANY whiff of smoke and they were on HIGH ALERT. Every nook and cranny would be searched and every door opened looking for the danger, looking for any sign of the possible fire. With one notable instance, their scrutiny never netted any drama.

If I choose to take God at His word, then I know that HE is constantly moving me in the direction of deeper obedience and passion for Him.

I have a deep seated belief that given a moment like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that I would be happy to walk into the fiery furnace. When the challenge is obviously ahead of me. You can see the flame, feel the heat, and take a moment to trust in God... easy, right?

God doesn't usually do this in my life (or I am not attuned to the smokey precursor of the furnace). I find myself in the midst of a circumstance of mild discomfort.... I handle it. It seems that only when the walls of my life are crashing around me, do I think to look around and see if I am already in the midst of the furnace.

(I am well aware that I mixed the metaphor here with the purifying heat of God's love, and the fiery furnace... its my blog... get your own! )

My beliefs support the idea of "HE who started a good work will be faithful to complete it Contrast this with the idea that EVERYTHING is God testing us and trying us. Although I am still working out the theology, I realize by removing the idea that EVERYTHING is God testing us, can result in being less situationally aware. It leaves my sense of smell dulled- I am not actively looking for a test or pitfall and sometimes I miss the signs.

Sure there is peace in knowing that the smoke detectors will go off and so I can sleep at night without worry, but it isn't good when your first realization of a problem is that the kitchen is full of smoke and the mice who live under the sink have already abandoned ship!

My heart's desire is to know when God is at work. I want to be better at seeing the purifying circumstances sooner in the timeline of challenge. I want to be so in tune with God that I don't have to wait to feel the heat- but that I hear the whisper from the Father to the Son "OK, turn up the heat JUST a bit, there is much I want to do in Laura".

Announcement

2011-09-18T15:39:00.002-04:00

I have an announcement to make......

I'm alllll done.....

If you are addicted to your crackberry/iPhone/whaatever other gadget you use for EVERYTHING in your life...... I am NO longer going to feel badly for sending you an email that MIGHT wake you up because you haven't disconnected your work email from your personal phone.

I am NO LONGER going to sympathize with the natural consequences if you don't set good boundaries and can't say no so are over tired....

Please don't cry on my shoulder if you cannot balance your work and life so that you can leave your desk for lunch and then are hungry in the middle of the afternoon... I won't leave MY work to go and get you an energy drink that is not going to help you.

For all you work-a-holics who complain about having no social life... FRANKLY.. YOU AREN'T SOOOO important that it cannot wait until tomorrow....

I am not sure what is happening to our society when we wear lack of sleep, or skipped meals as a badge of honour or commitment to the cause...

So, I am going to interact with technology the way it was meant to be interacted with- ON MY TERMS. I will not apologize for turning off my cell phone for one hour on my DAY OFF to go to church. I will NOT feel badly that I was at lunch when your lack of planning resulted in fake drama.

If that doesn't fit your idea of what should be.... im sorr.... no wait... acutally I'm not!

If you have any concerns about the above....... send me an email... I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Counting .....

2011-09-11T09:38:00.002-04:00

There is so much about our world that is focussed on counting... we count the minutes, the successes and the money. We count anniversaries and we countdown to big events.

Today as we mark the 10th anniversary I sat surrounded by Military personnel and we were encouraged to count. We were encouraged to thnk of the people connected to us directly who were impacted by the events on 9/11. It took me a moment to think... no one I know was killed or injured or involved nor their families that I know of.. so I thought that I didn't have anyone... and I realized that everyone I was in church with this am was profoundly impacted by the events of that day.

And so I began to count....

16 Students who were in my class that day and will be forever part of MY 9/11 story, I am proud of the adults that they are becoming in this strange world that we live in.

2 friends dead- combat injuries

1 friend paralyzed from the neck down - combat injuries

21 Coffins that I have stood while they begin their journey home. Although I never met any of them, I have become a part of thier history... granted a tiny afterthought, but I am one more person who will carry the memory of thier lives with me for the rest of mine.

But then the faces of others who I have had the privilege to know over the time who have seen things that no one should ever see, and those who have watched thier friends go home in a coffin. I have known those who have to literally pick up the pieces after an event.

And so what is the cost?

the events of 9/11 have created a new world for all of us. Ironically those we remember today are the only ones who will never remember this post-9/11 world we live in.

My Bible says that EVERYTHING the enemy intends for evil, God has the opportunity to redeem. While I am remembering the losses, I am also remembering the positives... the people from all over the world, the new friends, and the deeper faith that our world has delivered to my doorstep as a direct result of what happened on 9/11.

Today, people all over the world will be counting, mothers from all nations will be counting empty places at tables, brothers are injured, sisters are changed for life.

What price have you paid?

The Other Side of the Story

2011-09-08T14:38:00.003-04:00

Living in an environment where I am surrounded by people from different nations and job descriptions so many of my pre-conceived notions have been challenged. I have been reminded over and over that my persepctive is not the only one. And in that realization I have also been shown in new ways the negative effects that our actions can have on others without even realizing it.

We have a tendancy in our western philosophy to see things the way we see them and not scratch beneath the surface, but spend time discussing world history with someone from Russia, or Belgium or the UK, and you realize that what we think of as 'ancient' history (1-200 years) is recent memory to others. I have a friend who lives in a home that was built before Canadian Confederation and it itsn't even an historically protected home because it is too "NEW".

So in the midst of shattered paradigms I have begun to listen more intently to the other side of stories.

I know why I choose not to be in relationships with non-Christians, and I understand the motivations that lead me on that path, and yet, to hear from a man who has fallen deeply in love with a Christian woman for as much as she would let him, only to be devastated by the realization that his not being a Christian disqualified him from her love.... and then to hear him express the concern that perhaps this was a reflection of how God would treat him....

And my heart shattered along with my safe thinking about this topic.

Recently, I was out with a male friend. Although tall, and handsome, his body type is not the Big Beefy 'normal' that exists in my workplace. That type which says don't mess with me on my way to the gym.......I call them the Beefys. We came across a group of the Beefys and stopped to chat. As we walked away, my friend expressed how sometimes being around those Beefys gives him a complex, and how it makes him feel like abandoning all assurances of his worth in Christ.

And My heart shattered.

Here is the reality.... Ladies... who doesn't like the idea of a big beefy man next to you, looking like he could take on the world on your behalf? These Beefys that we encountered also tend to be "A-Type" personalities.... so likely as not to have a funny story or a veiled reference to something that they aren't supposed to talk about.... and I am putty in their hands.....

Yes, I admit it, when they come around I tend to twitter and giggle just like the other girls, because frankly I have a bit of a complex that guys this "cool" would never normally be my friend!

And Yet... as we walked away and I heard my dear friend express his insecurityin the face of the Beefys.. I realized something...

I would trade the chance to be friends with all the Beefys in the universe and feel like I look cool.... for this friend of mine who has proven to be kind, gentle, generous in sprit and wealth. He is constant and polite, caring and LOVES Jesus.

There were no words to say in that moment. Everything that I could think of simply felt like empty words in the face of my interaction with the Beefys. Actions speak louder than words...

I realized tonight that with everything there is another side of the story. I want to be more aware of the people around me and the way that my actions reflect the love of God to them.

Conspiracy Theories

2011-08-25T05:48:00.002-04:00

I am a conspiracy theorist. But not just your run of the mill tinfoil-wearing someone's watching me paranoid crazy! I am beyond a theorist... because a thoeory has yet to be proven.

Most people like me have a particular 'pet' subject they purport- either we didn't actually land on the moon, or the matrix IS real..... I don't care a lot about those other "theories". My conspiracy of choice is the belief that God is Conspiring to bring about HIS glory in the world, and HIS destiny in our lives!

Call me crazy, but I have PROOF! First of all the Bible says so... and just like the sunday school song implies... when the Bible says so, it must be true! But beyond that... I have first hand accounts of moments in time when God seems to reach through the cosmos, and puts something in my path time and again until I realize that it is a subject I need to pay attention to.

Recently it has been what it means to have good character. Everywhere I turn there are moments that challenge my desire to live a life of character. And then many times throughout the day there are reminders that the standard is high. Everything from shows on TV, or themes of movies, to just now a favourite quote buried in a long string of emails that I JUST HAPPEN to recieve on something completely unrelated.

And so it seems like every conspiracy theorist out there... I choose to attach deeper meanings to mundane things. Except when it comes to God we KNOW that He never does anything without deeper meaning. Every step of His life was miraculous just on the surface, and then when you plumb the deepest depths of understanding you realize that every thing right down to His name, His place of birth and the response of people to His death holds layers and layers of moving and remarkable meaning. Since God is the same, yesterday, today and forever, I choose to believe that every moment of the day can be steeped in the miraculous move of God.

Is it a coincidence that, when staying in a new city for a month, just when I was getting desperate for company, I decided to opo unexpectedly into a store and as I did, a friend from home "happened" to be there? I doubt it.

What keeps popping up in your life like a strange obsession? What do you feel bombarded by? take a good look at the themes that recur... it could be a key to what God is doing in you and through you.

Rejected? Not- Chosen? with a side of Stop Helping Me!

2011-08-22T12:21:00.002-04:00

Have you ever seen 2 year old stumble and fall? There is always that split second of shock followed EVERYTIME by a glance at the parental unit closest to gauge their response. As an adult in their lives, they look to us to decide whether to be upset or not. IF we respond with treipdation or angst..... the floodgates open, BUT... if you look with surprise that matches theirs and make light, they will get up and go about their way. Keep that picture in your mind and walk with me on a journey.

Tonight I went to a prayer meeting I had never attended before. We began to lift up the leaders of our nations, the soldiers who fight for those nations and who are in battle. We lifted up our families and those who we are praying for. Then we moved onto the next topic. The lady leading the prayer meeting began a heartfelt prayer intercession for "THE SINGLES" She began.... "Lord, we pray for the singles, we pray that you would heal their hurts and rejections." She continued in a very sincere and heartfelt manner. (As an aside: Know that if you are single and not sure if anyone cares... there are genuinely people who care and who want you to fulfill your destiny in God, and who earnestly lift up to God your desire to be married).

After a time, she moved on to the next group of afflicted personnel requiring our prayers... the prisoners!

I began to wonder..... why does the church continue to approach singleness as a dread affliction that we need to be redeemed from all the while telling us to enjoy the season that we are in?

I am not of the mind that people can make you feel a certain way, however, is it possible that the words the church uses and the approach that often is taken contributes to this idea in our heads that we are more hurt, more rejected, and more pathetic than we already feel just because we are single?

Like that child who, in a moment of uncertainty after a stumble, isn't sure whether this is a bump, or something more.... we look around and reflect the reactions that we see around us. If people didn't speak of my singleness with pity, would I feel quite so pitiful? If those I love, didn't try to "encourage" me so much would I feel so discouraged? And if those around didn't try to HELP so much..... might I just feel a little more like there was nothing really wrong with me??

Maybe???

Just because no one has CHOSEN me to be thier spouse, does that mean I have been REJECTED? Are those the corrollery of one another?? I think not. They are not equal opposites. I am waiting to be chosen. Some have chosen others instead of me... but all have NOT rejected me.

Thank you kind lady for your heartfelt prayers tonight. I understand your heart cry. I appreciate the care. And yet...... you can stop building the ladder to help me out of the pit that I haven't fallen into just yet.

Please.... stop HELPING ME!!!

Is that even the right question

2011-08-21T03:49:00.003-04:00

2 Years and 1000 stories since my last post. Lately, though I have been feeling as though I need to get back to this. Sharing some of what God is doing in my life, and the things I am learning daily.

It is important to have a record of the progress.

Recently, I have been bombarded from every side by the questions of what it means to be a woman in the church. What it means to be a wife (some day!) and how my female gender impacts my calling in God.

One of the biggest things that single women face daily is the question of dating/hanging out with/ making out with/ seeing/ (insert title or justification here) non-Christian men. We all know that the ideal is for us to marry a wonderful Christian man who will lead our homes with wisdom, grace, and the occasional delivery of flowers or chocolate! But somehow in the walking out of that, I see all around me wise women of faith settling for something less than God's best. For the sake of full disclosure, I am referring to others' actions around me, not because I am blameless, rather the opportunity hasn't presented itself. For the most part, the Godly women around me are not completely falling off the bandwagon, we are all still hoping for a Christian man to sweep us off our feet.... and YET.... WHERE ARE THEY!

This desire was so succinctly expressed by a good friend late one night when she lamented: :WHAT DOES GOD EXPECT??? IF CHRISTIAN MEN ASKED ME OUT I WOULD GO OUT WITH THEM!!!! But in the meantime.....

For a while I took up that battle cry (let's be honest, I am open to any loopholes!) and decided it was all God's fault. Again.... without the "opportunity" to put my new-found conviction to the test.... it sat for a while. But it didn't quite sit right.... it seemed to still fall short of the best that God says HE has for me. And truth be told... I KNOW what God "expects of me!"

A podcast of a sermon by Andy Stanley entitled "Character Under Construction" touched briefly on this topic. And to sum it up..... as I listened, the lament of my good friend of "God, what do you expect of me" was answered by the words "ABIDE IN ME".

I got to thinking about that. When did we decide that it was our "right" to get physical affection from the opposite sex? When did we decide that there was a lifetime quota that we are "owed" and if God doesn't bring along someone who fits His standard... then we are free to "get some"(not ALL) from whoever stands in front of us (and is asking... and is interesting!).

The world would tell us that we are not in control of our thoughts, or actions. That when it comes to the full spectrum of sex... it is a physiological necessity for us to "git me some!"

I have found in 3 years of travelling for work and being away from my family for long periods of time, that I struggle MOST with physical purity when there are not people in my vicinity who "KNOW" me. Those people who fill up my love tank with their very presence. Those intimate friendships where you have seen one another at your lowest point. Those people who you are happy to have in your house in the midst of the Saturday morning chaos!

So... today I stand in the promises of God and remind myself of what GOD expects of me... that in ALL things... I would ABIDE in Him.

Now if you will excuse me.... gotta freshen up my makeup.... off to lunch!

Insha'allah

2009-08-19T14:49:00.003-04:00

Insha'allah, is a phrase used by people who speak Arabic to express "hopefully" or "if God wills". It is similar to some Christian usage of "if Jesus tarries". It essentially acknowledges that God is God and only He knows the future, so we hope in Him. It takes some of the pressure off those who are involved in the circumstances and releases us to trust God more. A funny example of this is when I was away and a merchant at the market was pressuring me to buy carpets that I wanted to think about, he tried to tell me that they wouldn't last long and that if I liked them I should jump at the chance. My response was "Insha'allah".... if it is meant to be it will be. I found this response effective, especially when accompanied by a very Eastern shrug of one shoulder. It not only expressed to him that I was above being pressured, but it sealed in my heart that truly if it was meant to be it would be and I was free to make a wise purchase.

Obviously, the God that I serve and the god of the Muslim faith are 2 different realities, however, the heart attitude is still the same.

On the eve of the elections in Afghanistan, this mindset is so important. I cannot imagine what it would be like to weigh the opportunity to cast a vote, with the possibility that casting that vote could get you hurt or killed! How do you even begin to make that decision? I have been following the lead up to this election very closely! I am excited to see that the NATO forces are taking the Taliban threats so seriously. It is my prayer that the people of Afghanistan will feel the nations of the world standing up in protection as they enter polling stations. That their view of the ability of the Afghan police and Army to protect them will change. As they see others risking their lives to vote, I pray that they will feel how much we have invested in them. It is amazing that this is all happening on one day. The same day that NATO will halt its operations and focus on the safety of those who choose to invest in the political process.

Tyranny and oppression wants people isolated, uneducated and scared. But this day, this election-insha'allah- will provide an opportunity to for EACH afghan citizen to take back this moment of their lives. I pray with everything in me, that this day will be the beginning of a groundswell of national pride, and a renewed resolve to see thier nation healed and rebuilt.

There are so many complexities to this situation, and by no means do I seek to naively wade into the noise and offer trite solutions. I am, however, passionate about seeing the people of Afghanistan rise above all those who would oppress them. To find home-grown solutions to these major issues, to get fed up of being the punching bag of those who would exploit them. I have a vision of once again walking streets but this time, instead of a flack vest, I am carrying my child or my grand-child, showing where I have been. I want to freely explore the heritage and beauty of this nation that has so completely captured my heart! Like with anything that we love, I want the BEST!

So tonight our time, as people venture out into the uncertainty, my prayer is for safety, and for eyes that are open to all those who are sacrificing so much to assist, and it will renew in them a sense of nationhood and purpose.

PSALM 46 says:

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

So... Insha'allah... this will be a day that changes the nation of Afghanistan!

Moving in Opposition

2009-08-10T22:47:00.002-04:00

There are many times as Christans that we are called to do things opposite to what seems intuitive. Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you.... if you have a need, give. The last shall be first. If you want to gain your life, you must lose it. Forgive those who hate you, turn the other cheek

There are many things in our Christian walks that seem to be contrary to what makes any sense, and so over time I have come to look beyond the details and see the bigger picture and see what else might be at stake. This principle was illustrated to me very clearly this week. I have been running. I have some goals and I have blogged about what my running has meant to me. 2 weeks ago, as we were achieving our biggest goal, just as we hit that mark, my knee started to twinge. Granted, I am not the youngest person around, and I work on my feet, so a twinge-y knee isn't that big of a surprise. But what happened next was.... I decided (wisely, I think) to take it easy on the knee. To give it some time to recover. Keep in mind that there was no injury or explainable event. For 2 weeks I have been icing it, and carefully walking on it-and missing my runs! I never thought I would be THAT person who was itching to get out running! But I didn't want to permanently damage anything.

I voiced my concerns to a friend who is no stranger to pain, and to working through that pain physically. He suggested-as a 'testosterone based life form' would-to power through the pain, "it's just a little wear and tear".

Having nothing to lose (and the last class of my running clinic being tonight) I decided to put this advice to the test. I was a little nervous about running for only the 2nd time in 2 weeks. I was worried about getting out on our run and then having to bail out, and walk home. And worse... as I drove to meet my running group my knee, which previously had been sore only in one spot, began to twinge in others, and then the other knee began to twinge, and then my wrist..... it was then that I realized that this was not what it seemed. I was sure that this was an attack. That the enemy was attempting to derail my progress. That in his desperate need to keep me from reaching my destiny, he had targeted the place of my biggest potential victory. As I was making this 'discovery' I realized that the last 2 weeks have been a quagmire of insecurities, and backward steps. That I was feeling defeated. I cannot do what God is calling me to without being able to run. Period. There is a vocational requirement to run, so I was being targeted for destruction.

As I sat contemplating this possibility, I knew that I had to take a gamble. I am tenacious enough to be able to power through the pain, yet I know that to run on an injury can make it worse. So I prayed. I declared that no weapon formed against me shall prosper, I declared that the lies I was getting bombarded with were not the truth, and I urgently prayed that God-the great Physician- would fix/protect/heal my knee if there was anything actually wrong with it. I know that He is big enough for all those things!

Long story short, I ran tonight, it was hard because I hadn't run that distance in a while, but the whole time I was running, my knee didn't hurt at all!

Sometimes the greatest struggle is just before the breakthrough.

Beautifully Heartbreaking!

2009-07-31T15:16:00.002-04:00

As I look around me, I see that men don't know what society expects of them or what to expect of themselves. In casual conversations, and in heated debates, in heavy reading and light reading, I have seen a trend of late that shows me there is a great emptiness in the lives of men as they get mixed messages about what their roles are. The media denigrates men in so many ways, from commercials with stupid husbands, or sit-coms with overbearing wives, to movies that characterize men all too often as the bad guy. As a woman in this society, I have a strong desire to influence and inspire the men around me to be the best men that they can be. I see in the faces of friends' little boys the future superheros they aspire to. I see men every morning on their way to work getting their coffee for the day and I see in that, the desire to work hard for their families.

What I hear though from the men around me is confusion. Confusion in what they were raised to be and the pressure that they feel from society. Something as simple as holding open a door, young men often tell me that they feel like they want to and that it is the right thing to do but that they don't want to offend. I also see young women around me who treat themselves with a lack of respect that invites men down to their level and results in poor treatment ending in a reinforced view of men as the bad guys.

I came across this story and while it inspires me and it uplifts me to know that someone has taken pro-active steps, at the same time my heart breaks that this need...one that, 40 years ago might not even have existed, is so pervasive as to require such a program.

To all those seeking to invest in the lives of young men needing mentoring.... thank you!

(If you don't get a link on Facebook... here it is http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2009/07/28/obrien.bia2.harveytown.cnn)

Finding what you are looking for.

2009-07-21T19:28:00.003-04:00

I have a confession to make.... I am slightly addicted to 2 dating shows. One is the Bachelorette, and the other is a new show that I have discovered..... Dating in the Dark. They are completly different in scope, in purpose and therefore in content.

Dating in the Dark is based on the question of whether people can 'fall in love' without seeing each others' faces. I use quotations because I think that it would be very difficult to truly fall in love on a reality show. On Dating in the Dark, the people meet in the dark and date in the dark, they get to know one another over a series of dates and then, following the 'big reveal' they have to choose whether or not to meet outside the house. The one twist is that they have all filled out questionnaires and have had experts match them to a specific person. There are choices throughout when they can choose who to 'date'. In the first episode, they all chose to focus primarily on the people that the experts chose, even given the opportunity to see any of the men.

It is interesting to think that the weight of an expert opinion can so greatly sway the impact of an encounter. Is it possible that we see what we are looking for? So often, when searching for someone special it is too easy to see all the reasons NOT to take a risk, to see all the flaws.... and imagine our surprise when we actually find these things....

On the other hand, The Bachelorette is all about what is perfect....until its not. Perfect settings, perfect dates, perfect men, and one imperfect girl.... sounds........... perfect! And yet, time after time, date after date, these men fail to impress, don't live up to the high expectations.

OK.. so what do we do with this? There are easy ties to dating and seeing the good in people, but what if there is a aspect to our relationship with God? I have noticed that of late, I have been having tougher time than I normally do seeing the 'good parts' of God. It is, all about what I have been choosing to see.

I suppose in this case, I am the Bachelorette, "HOPING" to find what I have it in my head that will make me happy in my relationship with God, when what I should be doing, is listening to the 'experts' who tell me how amazing God is and how He loves me! I need to use my head more to remember the truth of God, to focus on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Phil 4:8

Titles

2009-07-17T19:32:00.000-04:00

You have, most likely heard of the idea that often the place of your greatest battle or fear is the place of greatest strength that God wants to use you. There are so many times in my life where I have dreaded looking behind the veil of that sentiment. I suppose that is the point of fear isn’t it? The enemies way of keeping us bound in exactly the areas that God has ordained for us to make the biggest impact. I have discovered as well, that sometimes things that start simply as fears, overtime can develop into a belief that we have about ourselves. I have had to face some of these beliefs lately. I have long desired to be in better shape. However, it is one of those things that you just can’t hope to have happen to you, it is something that you have to believe is possible for you and then put in the hours of work to get there. God has this interesting way of going about things!

2 years ago, somewhat suddenly, I was empowered, encouraged, and inspired to change my eating habits. Some of that journey is recorded in previous posts, and I could probably write for months abut that, it was totally God’s providential assistance that allowed me to complete that program. I have never before followed through on anything like that before. It had become a lie in my life that I wasn’t someone who could ‘stick to’ a diet or exercise regime, and in order to not feel the disappointment every time I failed, I bought into the lie that was one of those people who just couldn’t diet. Then God got a hold of me, overrode those beliefs supernaturally, and truly provided me all the tools I needed to overcome. Then I went away, to the desert in the middle of summer, I never thought I was someone who could live in the heat, but He forced my hand, and protected me. He took me places and had me experience things that were amazing.

For some of these experiences, I drew on my successes with weightloss to prove to myself that I could power through and follow through. The story of David, when he was going out to Goliath and spoke of his bear-killing history finishes with the assertion that “this will be like that”. David believed in God’s ability to deliver Goliath into his hands because there was a history. Then as time went on, and new amazing things were accomplished in God, those became the “bear” God had helped me kill!

Through all this, a call to fitness has been burning within me, only to flame out when I tried it alone. Then Ottawa Race weekend came along. Thousands and thousands and thousands of people participate! My roommate at the time, inspired me to sign up for the 5K. At the time of signing up, I was pretty sure that, if forced into it, I could walk 5km without dying, but I knew that I couldn’t run anywhere close to that distance. I was supposed to train, and practice, I had bought a treadmill that got very little use, by the time race weekend came along. As race day approached, I got more and more frustrated, annoyed and angry at myself for failing in this area once again. It was only because I made this commitment to my roommate, and she was going to be there to cheer me on (she was running a different distance) that I even went. Had she not driven me, I might have bailed.

Standing there, among thousands of people I felt like the biggest fraud. I fully expected at any moment, someone to point at me and race officials would come over and physically eject me from the race. I didn’t belong there among all those people… and it was hot…. And I didn’t have the right shoes…. And … and …..and

And then, I took a moment to list all the counter arguments for the lies that were chasing each other around my mind trying to shame me into giving in and giving up. The proofs I used were:
1) I PAID so just that entitled me to a spot at the start line
2) Hot? This isn’t hot… the dessert is Hot! I lived there, I can do this!
3) Right now, there are soldiers in Afghanistan who would LOVE to be able to opt out of the need to run 5K this afternoon, except with them, they have 80-100 pounds of gear… if they can do that, YOU can do this!
As the race started, I was still fighting all the emotions and all of the thoughts that would disqualify me from this accomplishment. As I crossed the START line I was chocking back tears, and the desire to sit and weep. Then the smiling face of my roommate appeared in the midst of the crowd, there she was cheering me on! And I started to run!

I would love to tell you that I ran like the wind, finished well, and am setting world records all over the world, but that is not really how it works, is it?
At the end of the course, everyone was given a medal, everyone! It is fun to say that I got a medal in my FIRST 5k! Only I need to know whole story!

On the way home, my roommate kept jokingly announcing to the cars around us that they needed to let us through because “she’s an athlete!” It is amazing what can happen in the spirit of someone when they buy into a ‘title change’. I had never thought of myself as athletic, and I certainly not ‘earned’ it. But I felt like, in that moment, God changed my title.

I have since joined a running club and loving getting out and running pushing myself further and seeing what I am capable of. I know that it is all about God’s provision and God working on the inside to change those titles I have given myself.

What titles have you called yourself that God wants to break off to bring you to the next level of your destiny?

Can it be true?

2009-07-06T20:41:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe that one year ago today I was on a plane on my way to an incredible adventure. It is incredible to me what God is capable of bringing us through in such a short time! It is remarkable to think that no matter how I have felt, or what I wanted out of this experience, God stuck assertively to His better agenda for what needed to be accomplished in me!

I am excited for what is next.

From the cities to the ends of the earth!

2009-07-03T21:57:00.002-04:00

I Love Canada, and yet more and more God is calling me to places abroad. It occurred yesterday as we celebrated Canada Day at church I was once again overwhelmed by my love for Canada. I began to wonder to myself how this love of Canada translates to leaving her boarders so often in my mind and heart. There was a whispered response.
“you can only love Canada more when you see her in relation to others around.” It is true so often that you don’t know or appreciate what you have until it is gone. You don’t appreciate the municipal water supply until you have to use bottled water to brush your teeth. The roads that get blocked with construction for so long can best be appreciated when you walk on nothing but dirt and gravel. You come to realize that there are people whose voice can never be heard, or whose face will never be seen outside their families, and you realize what a privilege it is to live here.

It is my desperate desire to serve Canada and serve God in the destiny of our nation. I feel as though my ability to serve Canada is directly proportionate to how much I love her and her people. As our amazing Arts pastor said in her amazing talk on Sunday “what moves you to compassion is the key to unlocking your destiny”.

Why I Love Canada

2009-06-28T13:22:00.001-04:00

There are so many things that are going on in our world right now that can cause people to look at Canada as a challenging place to be. There is so much that is wrong with the way our society works, but it is still (in my opinion) the best place in the world to live. I have, as a result of my experiences this year, some insight into how those around the world live, and they compared to almost anywhere else, our amazing country rises above the others.

Here are some of the reasons that I love Canada
1) It was founded upon the principle that people can come to agreement without bloodshed
2) I love that I can vote in elections without fear of intimidation, discrimination, or corruption
3) I love that there is diversity of landscape, weather and cultures
4) I love that no matter where you go in the world, Canadians are respected
5) I love that we are wiling and able to come to the aid of others who are less free. Whether leading peacekeeping missions or combat missions, we effectively use our resources to give to those who need our help
6) I love that as a woman, there are no limitations on my dreams and aspirations
7) I love that whether I agree with you or not, you have the right to spout whatever ignorant, uninformed beliefs that you have.
8) I love that from the Atlantic to the Pacific, Hockey and Tim Horton’s binds us together! And I love that we have exported both to the mission in Afghanistan!
9) I love that a Canadian passport implies “friend” not enemy
10) I love that other nations smile indulgently at our collective naivety in some areas because we have never experienced some of the horrors of things like civil war, deep atrocities, war within our boarders and apartheid.
11) I love that the children in my life are almost guaranteed to never experience starvation, illiteracy, war in their street, or persecution.
12) I love that Canada is not always easy to love, but that she engenders a passionate response in so many people, passionate responses means that people are engaged. Even if it just enough to complain about the weather!

Happy Birthday Canada!

You gotta let Jesus water it!

2009-06-27T18:48:00.003-04:00

In January I decided that this would be the year of flowers. I was given a dozen roses upon my return from overseas and loved it! In February, I was given a rose plant by a good friend for Valentines Day “so that you will never be without”. This rose plant has been an interesting metaphor for my life in the last few months as I have sought frankly to not kill it! I am not really one you would describe as having a green thumb. I love how flowers look in the house and the joy they bring to my life.

Over the months, this plant has seen good days and bad days. It was thriving nicely and then I went away for a week, I thought it would be OK, but sadly, it seemed worse for wear when I got home! Imagine that! I worked hard with my limited ability to nurse it back to health! Finally, I decided to do something drastic! I got rid of all the dead stuff, and bought a very pretty pot to put it in (I am pretty sure that plants like a pretty pot!) and replanted it with some Miracle Grow potting soil. I asked a few expert types what the best approach was for this poor plant. Finally, the friend who gave it to me asked me where it was in the house. I told her in the kitchen close to the windows that get sun from 2 directions, but that I wasn’t sure how often to water it or anything like that. Her response? “put it outside and let Jesus water it!”

By this point, the plant was little more than thorny twigs in a pretty pot, so I figured I had nothing to lose! Sure enough, this morning when I went out I noticed that it was getting some leaves back on it.

It occurred to me that this is a great example of my life in Christ! Since returning from my experiences overseas, there have been some dry times, there have been times of feeling neglected (maybe even by God) I have felt thirsty and I have for sure felt like I had nothing left. I wasn’t blooming, or seeming to be benefiting anyone, I was just becoming thorny twigs. There have been some moments in the sun and others of dryness I have never experienced before. I have realized that in all this time, there was Someone who was invested in my well-being, who wants nothing more than to see me thrive.

Where this metaphor falls apart, of course, is that my plant didn’t choose to reject, pout or decline the life giving water that was being offered. It didn’t complain that the temperature was not quite what it wanted and therefore questioned my good intentions toward it! Of course, in this experience with God, it could be argued that I did all these things and yet the great Gardener kept at it, pruning, removing the dead leaves, stripping me down to the core of who I am in Him. He has been teaching me to rely on Him more and more. In all of our circumstances, we can choose to strive, or we can take God at His word that He will take care of the lilies of the field how much more will He take care of us.

I am looking forward to seeing what else I can put out and just simply let Jesus water!

Fighting through

2009-05-23T22:45:00.003-04:00

Today I participated in an event that I have wanted to do for a long time and yet never thought I had it in me. I did a 5km race. It was a big achievement-not from an athletic perspective, my time was horrible. Good thing that wasn't the point of today though. The point today was simply to show up and to finish.

Surprisingly, simply showing up was a battle that I didn't expect. I realized as I stood there waiting for the race to start that I was fighting this whole idea that I didn't belong and that given the fact that I wimped out on my training, I probably didn't even deserve this achievement.

As the race began, I actually began to cry as my iPod played Jonny Lang's "Only a Man". One verse of the song is an exchange between "the man" and God:

Man: I'll give you my burdens...
God: I'll give you peaced
Man:..all of my desires
God: ..... I'll give you what you need
Man:...what about these chains, Lord
God: I'll set you free
Man: But they're so heavy
God: Just lay them at my feet

Man: Just promise you won't leave me
God:I'll never leave
Man: So where do I go from here. Lord
God: Just follow me, just follow me

It was a beautiful reminder that no matter what the burdens, the lies I have believed about myself, or the limitations that I thought Iwould never overcome, all these things are chains that God has said He will take and deal with.

As the rest of the journey unfolded, God used the music on my iPod to motivate and speak to me about the truth of Who He is.

I am grateful to have a God who doesn't hold us ransom to our inadequacies.

I am also grateful for an amazing friend who cheered me on, and made her voice heard above the crowd to let me know she was proud of me! Thanks roommie!

The sound of peace!

2009-05-21T17:02:00.002-04:00

As I studied today for a paper I am writing on Galatians, I was reminded of how much I love the feel and the sound of Bible pages turning. As I browsed through looking for a particular scripture, it occurred to me how amazing God is for even this detail. That some one would decide that His word was worthy of special treatment and leather and gold edged pages. It just adds an aspect of beauty to the study of His precious Word.

Long time... good times

2009-05-20T19:32:00.003-04:00

It is my deep desire to realign some things in my life. To reclaim the priorities that need to be in their right place. Part of that is blogging and writing. It has been a long time since I flexed this muscle and so I beg your indulgence as I get back into the swing of things.

In the last year much has changed and things have not always been easy but with the grace of God, I continue to press into Him and He will bring me through.

And that's my brother!

2009-02-17T18:05:00.003-05:00

Happy Birthday to my Brother!

Today is his birthday and so here are the top things I like about him.

I like that he is older, and he had to go first... always!
I love that he taught me how to tie my shoes
I like that I can always find him in a crowd!
I LOVE that there is no one I know more clear-headed in a crisis.
I love how much he loves his daughter!
I admire him for tackling life's difficulties in what is sometimes the most difficult way.... just showing up.
I like that he can give me a hug that envelopes me... not many people can
I even like that they are kind of rare... because then I get to enjoy them more!
I like that he is thoughtful when it matters most.
I liked being well known in high school as "Shorty's sister".
He is generous, and big hearted!
I love that everywhere he goes, there are friends he cares about.
I love when he gets me laughing until I can't breathe!
I love it when he is most himself and the depths of who he is comes forth.
I love that he can bring me to tears with a well-timed email!

You don't know big brother, because I don't tell you enough, how much I love you, and how inspired I am that you are following your life-long dream. To see you passionate about the next step calls me to higher things.

Keep going, keep being who you are, I am cheering you on from the sidelines.....

Happy Birthday!

And that my friends is my brother.....

My Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T17:48:00.010-05:00

I have fallen in love this Valentine's day! Today was a beautiful sunny winter day. I ventured downtown to take in the beauty of the day and Winterlude.

As I wandered around I was reminded of just how much I love this city that I live in. Being the Nation's Capital it hosts so many amazing sights and events and festivals.

Here are some of the sights I saw...

An Ice Scuplture representing NATO's 60th year. And a man tying his skates getting ready to skate on the Largest Skating Rink in the WORLD!

I love seeing the flag flapping in the breeze over Parliament Hill!

Any time you forget about what is right in front of you, it is easy to assume that the somewhere is better.... but when you recall what is amazing! Anywhere can be home!

Pocket Litter

2009-02-11T13:45:00.004-05:00

I am reading a book about undercover agents (That will surprise almost none of you) and I came across a fun descriptor. It is "Pocket Litter". Pocket litter is defined as all that extra stuff that you collect as a result of just living your life.... like the receipts in your wallet, parking stubs, mints from restaurants.. ladies it is all that stuff that swims around at the bottom of your purse- it is important for undercover agents to establish the credibility of their "cover".....

I have decided that I like the term and will use it as much as I can.... Today I was trying to rid myself of all the "pocket litter" that fills up space on a laptop that you have had for many years. (good use of my new vocab!) All over the hard drive are articles partly written, little "post-it" notes with confirmation numbers for service calls I made 2 years ago, and spreadsheets with big plans for changing the world.... but buried in the pocket litter, I found this quote....

"Opportunity comes from expertise, not just luck, talent, and passion. If you find it impossibly tedious to become an expert about what you think matters to you, then you're not chasing a dream, you're just daydreaming." - By Jerry Porras

OUCH... I don't recall who Jerry Porras is, or where I heard this or read this but clearly it had an impact. I realize that I am truly just daydreaming about so many things.

I think that I will spend a little more time fishing for treasures amongst the "pocket litter"

Purpose

2009-02-10T08:25:00.002-05:00

Many people have asked me what the best part about my time overseas was. I would have to say the sense of purpose. The camp that I lived at was very large, yet had no unemployment. No one is there without a purpose or a job. Everyone knows their job and role and how that impacts the whole mandate. It was truly a practical example of the way a body works. I had one job, and if I did my job well, others would have what they needed to do their job well. It is amazing how a sense of purpose raises the whole feel of an environment.
People walk taller, they speak with authority, there are none who are higher or lower and none who are mooching off the others. When you meet someone here in Canada and you ask them what they do for a living, we often use that to judge their value or worth. But in an environment where all have purpose and all are doing their job, when you ask someone what they do, it serves to show you one more piece of the overall puzzle.
The Bible talks about vision and purpose, and how without a vision the people perish-Proverbs 16:4 The LORD has made everything for its purpose,even the wicked for the day of trouble. And I have found it to be true that it is life-giving to have a purpose. Some people feel like they have no purpose...
Exodus 9:16 But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.
So rise up and take your purpose. Our pastor said on Sunday, if you are looking for your calling you don't need to.... we are all called to proclaim Christ, the difference for each person is in the HOW. What is your "How?" How has God uniquely equipped you for His service?

The Checklist

2009-02-06T12:08:00.004-05:00

OK... so it begins...
Midweek sitting in my trackpants........ check
Reading excessive amounts of literature.......check
Wondering what I got myself into.......check
Hoping this will have some practical application.......check
Craving chips and pizza...... check and check
High liklihood of Kraft Dinner for lunch..... check

Yep..... its official! I am a student! What is next?? Mr. Noodles...... mmmmm Mr. Noodles, I think they sell them by the case............

I have just put into motion a lifelong dream and expectation of myself to complete my Bachelor's Degree. I have an opportunity now to do that online. I can't wait!

Here we go!

Sad Sad Sad

2009-02-05T18:06:00.002-05:00

This article appeared on CNN.com

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/05/army.suicides/index.html

The quote that stood out to me more than others:
The Army said it already has confirmed seven suicides, with 17 additional cases pending that it believes investigators will confirm as suicides for January.
If those prove true, more soldiers will have killed themselves than died in combat last month. According to Pentagon statistics, there were 16 U.S. combat deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq in January.

We need to pray. We need to lift up our troops.

You know it's a bad day when!

2009-02-02T09:21:00.003-05:00

You know its a bad day when you turn to JOB and find encouragement!

In my bumpy road back to life here, I had a very bad weekend. It got to the point where on Sunday I was sitting in church (mostly because I really didn't want to answer the questions of why I didn't go!) all I could do was weep. I didn't know why, I couldn't put it into words, I just wanted to sit in the room where I knew God was going to be for sure, and be a little angry with Him, and be a little sad, and be a little out of sorts. As I sat there tuning in and out of the sermon I couldn't have even told you what was wrong. I opened my Bible for the first time in many days.
While I was away there was a scripture that a few of us had been talking about and I had put a bookmark there to re-read it later. I opened it yesterday and began to read. In Job 22:21-30 I saw something I had never seen before. We so often quote the Psalm "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". I have, many times wanted to know more about what "delighting" means as regards to God- I suppose so that I could have the key to unlocking the rest... but that is for another day!- and here it was again, right in front of me:
26For then you will delight yourself in the Almighty and lift up your face to God
As I looked back into the previous verses, the bullet points hit me one after another.....
23: If you return to the Almighty
23: If you remove injustice from your hands
24: If you lay gold in the dust
25:THEN THE ALMIGHTY WILL BE YOUR GOLD AND YOUR PRECIOUS SILVER

With EVERYTHING in me... I want The Almighty to be that precious to me! I WANT to delight myself in Him, and I know that a place of delight will be all I desire.

There is a song that has been resonating through my soul for weeks.... it is by Steve Bell called "Here by the Water". It could really be this passage in Job set to music. Isn't it cool how God sets us up!

Re-Entry

2009-01-31T14:53:00.002-05:00

I suppose we have all watched lots of space movies where the astronauts have to reenter the earth's atmosphere. Having watched those movies, we know that the most dangerous time for a space flight is the re-entry. I am not an astronaut nor have I ever spoken to one, however I think that I can safely make some assumptions about what might be going on their heads at the most important times. I would imagine that just before descent, there is a feeling of excitement for the upcoming reunions with family and friends, nervousness at the realities of the dangers, a tiny desire to just stay where you are despite the distance but a determination to pull it all together and do what your job says you are supposed to do, but mostly I would imagine there is a strong feeling that this is all out of my control and all I can do is hang on!
How can I imagine these things?? Because in my return from overseas, I have felt all of these feelings.
After a long time away from home like that, most people assume that you are totally ecstatic to be home. That you cannot possibly want to go anywhere for a long time, and just to sit in the kitchen of family is all you want to do. While all that is very true... it is not the whole story.
I have found in the midst of re-entry that I have been surprised. I have been surprised by the sheer number of people who are so excited to see me. I have been amazed at how much things have changed while at the same time, stayed exactly the same.
Logistically, my return has been easy. Same house, same friends, same church that looks the same, and I am so grateful for that. It has been seamless to slip back into my life as it was before. But like so many things, the challenges come in the little things.
With all the big stuff taken care of, I expected that life would simply pick up where it left off.... and then it didn't. There was a moment just after I got home that I realized that there would be differences, and they might just catch me off guard. I would have to watch out for those things.
A really funny and strange example of that was the first time I went out with friends. We were going to a club for some one's birthday, and I opened my jewellery box to choose some earrings and stopped. I realized I had NO idea what the current styles were. Although it seems insignificant, it was the first of many things that I had to navigate through. My friend who had also just returned was going to the same event and as I picked her up, we BOTH realized we didn't know whether our earrings were still in style! As we made our way to the event, I was nervous about it.
Once we got to the event, I totally forgot about the issue and even realized later that I forgot to check those around me. But the stress of that moment was an indicator of bigger things to come. I suddenly realized that I would, in a hundred different ways have to choose to overcome the fear that travels alongside uncertainty. If I let those moments, they could overwhelm me and cause me to shrink back into myself. I am choosing to not let those moments dictate my actions, however, like what those astronauts in my movies do, I will continue to monitor the indicators and watch for early warning signs, all the while stay fixed on my destination. Hang on, it might be a bit bumpy.......

Trusting God More!

2009-01-15T08:26:00.002-05:00

I am back! I have returned from 6 months in the Middle East! It was an amazing experience and there is so much that needs to be written about!
In the midst of a return to civilization and this world (it really is like living on another planet!) , there have been some unexpected challenges. The organization that I worked for provides for some of the costs associated with "re-entry". I stored my car, and so it needed work to get it back on the road. Except mine was more than 5 times the amount that was allocated. I can only assume that they looked at the 'usual' costs and found out the average costs of getting a car road worthy again. That was, to say the least, upsetting, then within 2 DAYS, I have had another circumstance with the car that will be another large chunk of money!
As I drove away from the garage after hearing yet another $800 quote for something that NEEDS to be repaired so that I can renew my license (So it's not even optional!), I was in tears, and very angry. I began to cry out to God. "Why is this happening?" "You are supposed to protect my finances" and "I am just trying to be a good steward with what You provided and this stuff is outside my control to balance!" It was just a moment of pure frustration.
As I spent time with a friend and was telling her the story, she is a newer Christian and I was trying to "spin" it so that God would be given the glory, even though I didn't feel that way, I felt like I could mentor her a bit in the thought process. As I did, though, the things I was saying about what the Truth is began to work on my heart.
I realized that this circumstance is not a surprise to God. He knew it was going to happen. He knows the future, my job situation, and my bank balance, He holds it all in His hands and He has the responsibility to provide.
While I was away, there were no money challenges, I got paid VERY well, and where I was living everything was taken care of. No need to trust God for the moment by moment realities of expensive finances. Having that as a non-stressor, I want to live like that again. I want to walk through everyday knowing that Someone has a plan for provision. So I have to trust God more!

Shifitng Paradigms

2008-10-30T06:32:00.002-04:00

Hello again! I cannot believe that I have not posted for 3 months.... I have missed you very much! I didn't realize how much blogging had become a part of my world until it was removed. This has been an incredible experience.

I am about halfway through this adventure that God has called me to. It is strange to think of all that has happened in my life and heart.

When God calls us to something new, He so often calls us beyond ourselves, and in the midst of that calling, our lives, and thoughts, and hearts change. Have you ever 'felt' your life change? Have you ever stood in a moment and realized that you are different now than you were even 10 minutes ago? A few years ago, I got a CD from a Christian Group (not even sure if they are still together), and one of the lyrics is "I stand silent while my paradigm keeps shifting", and these lyrics run through my head constantly. I have had almost daily moments where I can almost feel my heart changing, or I KNOW that my paradigm has shifted.

I believe that God is always working in our lives, and everyday in the humdrum and mundane even, He has a purpose and a plan. Psalm 139 says that everyday is accounted for. I used to think that meant He knows how many days I will live, and while that is true, I think that there is more to it than that. I think that sometimes we underestimate God's thoughts towards us. He knows what you are going to be doing today, He knows that you were going to take this 10 minutes and read this post... and guess what..... He has a purpose for it, and He knows where it fits within the context of our lives!

When you or someone around you has a major change in circumstance like they go on a missions trip, or they move away, or something cataclysmic occurs, it is often easy to see the changes that occur in their lives, not because the change is more dramatic, but perhaps because the circumstances create a spotlight for us to see the changes because we are looking for them. I know that with this opportunity in my life, I will return to the 'real world' and people will spend time watching for changes, seeing how my time away has changed me. Interestingly enough, though, before I left, I had been through a season of major change as well, but my circumstances didn't change, and so no one seemed to notice.

I say that to encourage you, scrutinize your responses to things, be alert to your thoughts, and think back to last year, or last month, or perhaps even last week and see how different you are. If you are exactly the same, you might need to look at that and question why (maybe you are well adjusted and in the right head space, and don't need changing... if that is the case, please email me and I will turn the reigns of this over to you!), or perhaps you will be amazed at how much God has done in you in such a short time!

Taking a Sabbatical

2008-07-05T10:33:00.002-04:00

I am off on a journey that will take me out of the 'blogging world' for the next 6 months. While I am away, rest assured that I will return... don't take me off your link lists! So, have a great rest of 2008 and see you in the new year!

Redraw the Line

2008-06-23T10:16:00.002-04:00

How's this for 'messy' and out there. I lost 50 pounds, and I still feel fat!

Ok here's the story behind the emotion. A year and a half ago, God rocked my world and gave me success in weight loss for the first time in 100 years (or so it felt like!) , I was totally happy with the success of it all. I felt great, stronger, like for the first time I could accomplish a goal. In doing so God broke off a number of lids in my life regarding what I could accomplish.

Over time, I have slipped back into my old eating ways. Thankfully, I have not gained a whole lot back, but I do FEEL yucky like the old days. I have suddenly found myself thinking in the way I used to think, and dealing with those feelings in old ways.

There is a cycle that follows those who don't eat well and then gain weight. There is a sense of hopelessness to the whole situation, as day after day after day, you promise yourself that today I will stick to the 'holy' plan, only to succumb right after breakfast! For too many years, I lived beating myself up about the food I was putting into my mouth, and I thought that I had gotten a major breakthrough, that I was free!!!! Except like a lot of battles, merely gaining the ground is not enough, you have to fight to keep it!

All the way through my weight loss, I knew that I knew that God had done a big work in me just to be able to make the better choices and stick to them. It was all God. But I think over time, as I ate whatever I wanted to, and found that I didn't gain that much, I started to make a fatal mistake. I started to take credit for the weight loss, and for the changes in my life style. They became a source of pride (not in a good way!), and part of my identity. As time went on, I felt this accomplishment slipping away at the same rate as my jeans got a little tighter, and I suddenly felt myself being who I used to be. And I panicked every time I made a plan to get back on track and failed. I began to wonder why God had removed his grace from this area of my life.

In dealing with these feelings, I began to chat with a friend who has struggled with smoking on and off for years, and she has resolved and tried to quit more times than I can count. At one point she was doing quite well, and then something happened and she was back to it. She too felt like God had withdrawn the grace for the victory.

I began to think. What if there are moments in our lives where God does a great work, but requires of us that we continue to rely on Him to continue to see the victory in that area? What if occasionally He re-draws the line of our dependence on Him?

I think of the kids in my life and the times when they are doing something new, they are so determined to do it on their own and depending on what it is, I will stand by and watch, occasionally offering my help. Frequently what happens is help is needed but not for the WHOLE task, just for the next step. So I assist when asked, then take my hands off to allow for the learning to continue, until the next hurdle. I have noticed as they grow and get stronger, I find I stand just a little further away from them, because it helps me to see the big picture of what they are trying to accomplish, and they don't need me with my hand on their back like they did when they were toddlers.

Occasionally, they get to a point where they are stuck or don't know what to do next, an offer of help often is responded to with "no thanks, I can do it" followed by a long pause, then "umm... auntie Laura, could you help me?" With a smile, I always step in, but I need to wait to be asked. It makes sense that God responds similarly to us. I don't suppose that it is fair then, to wonder where His grace has gone, when we choose not to utilize it!

Is there an area of your life that needs God's help?

Weekend Reflections

2008-06-23T09:56:00.003-04:00

I spent the weekend with 2 of my fave people in the whole wide world. My 8 year-old niece and my 5 year-old nephew. We did lots of fun stuff and have a great time. I am trying very hard to squeeze in as much time with them as I can before I go away for 6 months.

There are always challenges that come with kids who miss their parents and aunties who are tired from the shift into 'parenthood'. It is so much fun though, despite the challenges to stop and take stock of who these little people are becoming. The older they get, the more we recognize the personality traits that were present all along. I recall looking at baby pictures and seeing an expression that we thought was just 'cute' but we see now that it holds all the compassion and caring that is so much a part of who she is becoming as a young lady. In the same way, those big blue eyes and dimples he has had everyday of his life, continue to melt any amount of frustration or tiredness even when meting out consequences of his poor choices.

Coming home from a weekend with the kids, I always have a long list of examples of how my life with them is like my life with God. For weeks after, I will be in situations and God will whisper to me "do you remember with the kids... that is the same with me". It has seemed that my walk and development in the spirit has mirrored their physical development. When they were babies, God spoke to me about complete dependence on Him, as they are getting older and more independant, God is speaking to me about a maturing process in my life. Always it has to do with the sentiment expressed in Matt 7:9-11

9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

I think of the things that I am willing to do for those kids...... and that is me who is EVIL....... God is amazing!! Think about that!

One of only...

2008-06-17T00:58:00.003-04:00

I have never been driven to be the best at anything. I have never desired the status that comes from being first. It never made any sense to me why people stand in line for hours to watch a movie on opening night.... I figure it will be the same movie 3 weeks from now when I watch it in a half empty theatre where I had my pick of seats.
Lately though, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be "one of only..." I recently was selected to attend a training program/interview process for a really amazing job. For 2 weeks they put us through the paces, and we knew that there were more candidates than job offers. Right from the get-go it was instilled into us that we were the elite. 3000 resumes, 250 interviews, 100 candidates, and only 75 positions. It was truly an honour to be selected for the training.
Even more amazing perhaps is that in being chosen for the position, I realized, they have only run this program 5 times before, and only 75 people per session, means that for this exact job, only about 400 people in all of Canada have ever done what I am going to do! It makes you stop and think for a moment.
It is strange that in some circumstances we take our value and worth from the number of people we rank higher than. In other circumstances it is the fact that a pool is so limited that makes it so special.
Even though we spend our lives being ranked and judge either by how many we have overcome or by how limited the numbers we share our experiences with, with God, EVERYONE is exactly the same.... we are ALL sinners. The great levelling ground of our lives is in the declaration from God that we all need Jesus. Even more incredible is that even our sins are not ranked, God views each one as equal to the other. Amazingly then, the Bible says that we cannot boast in ourselves, because Christ is the sacrifice that makes grace possible-it is not of ourselves.
Yet, within this massive crowd of humanity that we stand shoulder to shoulder with, equally in need of salvation, Jesus is somehow able to draw us out, one-by-one, to meet our needs and to approach us in a unique way that says "You are my one and only. You are my beloved". Only once in all of human history, has a perfect, sinless, holy man, met the requirements that I, yet another sinner, needed for my salvation. To draw a very poor analogy..... that would be like destroying the Mona Lisa because the frame was the perfect size for my niece's drawing. But that is the value that God places on my life and yours. For Him, the sacrifice, while painful, was the entire point-as if da Vinci painted the masterpiece solely so that four hundred years later the frame would be available!
What do I do with my 'status? I whine and complain that I am not 'further along' in my walk, I ignore the prompting of God to dream bigger dreams, but what I think is most sad of all........ I forget..... I am one of only....... ONE...... loved by God, treasured, beloved, redeemed child of the most High..... guess what......

SO ARE YOU!!!

As Promised

2008-06-08T14:46:00.003-04:00

We lost another hero. Another life spent in service to others. This time in a tragic accident. The tears don't know the difference, the loss no less painful. We think of his family and mates who are left behind. To you all, we say "Thank You"

In whose strength?

2008-06-05T10:12:00.001-04:00

I had a realization this week. I have been preparing to make my journey overseas to work in an environment that is very challenging physically as well as spiritually. I had been approaching my preparations with the thought that I would have to have a self-perpetuating faith, a faith that doesn’t require the input and teaching of a community to keep the boiling point high. God has built us to need community, yet calls us to individual faith.

In my life, this requires a new level of pressing in, and seeking God’s face. I have realized just how much I am reliant on and crave the teaching I get at church to keep me going. As I have stepped back from a number of different commitments where I have been able to exercise faith and talk openly and see lives change, I have noticed that I had not fared quite as well as I thought I would. I began to rest on my own strength, to steel myself for the ‘fight’ of life, and I got whipped around by the waves. I noticed that after a couple of weeks of this, I was frustrated, angry and very very lonely.
As I pressed into God during worship on Sunday, I heard from the Lord on this point. I heard His gentle rebuke. I realized that not only was I trying to do this in my own strength, but that I had forgotten that God is going to be where I am going. He has not stopped at the border and stood aside and expected me to go ahead of Him. He is there, waiting, He has prepared hearts to hear the gospel, He has set up divine appointments already where I will be able to see God’s hand at work.
Even more interesting than that, is the fact that not only had my spiritual attitude changed slightly, but my outlook on a number of different issues that God had walked me into victory.
I realize just how weak my flesh is, how much I am desperate for the presence of God, and how even the things that we think ‘we’ have overcome, are not in our own strength, but in His.

Law of Diminishing Returns

2008-06-04T01:52:00.003-04:00

There is a law that states that the more often something shocking happens, the less shocking it becomes. The same holds true with the highs from addictions, or the thrill from an adrenaline inducing experience.

Sadly, the same law seems to apply in the media. It used to be that a soldier killed in combat was headline news, it was the lead story. But 84 deaths later, and I have noticed that the stories are buried deeper and deeper. Now, it is hard to hear about at all. This is not acceptable. EVERY life is precious, election results from another country (even the states) should NOT override the tribute that our soldiers deserve. I am making a commitment to mark EVERY soldier's story on this blog. Nothing is more important than thanking those who are willing to stand in the gap.

Today, sadly there is one more picture to post. One more family devastated, one more hero lost to us.

When we forget to value the sacrifices, we lose a part of ourselves. We cannot turn a blind eye.

Good Friends by the Carload!

2008-06-01T16:22:00.003-04:00

I love the community of believers that comes with belonging to a great church. I have had the amazing privilege of hosting a group of amazing people who visit friends of mine. They have often stayed in my home and it has been so amazing to get to know a group of young adults who are so passionate about the things of God, and who are giving thier lives to those around them. These are the next generation of amazing leaders!

I am inspired by their faith, their strength and their leadership. With these people in leadership, there is nothing that the next generation cannot achieve!

Liquid Nitrogen....

2008-05-17T11:15:00.003-04:00

I hear conflicting reports about dealing with sin. There are those who say that sin must be dealt with ruthlessly, That effort and time must be put in to eradicate it from our lives. Then there are others who would say that God is a gentleman and never would impose His will on our lives. That His approach is an invitation to bigger things. Although these seem to be completely different world views of God and sin, I now see that they are inter-connected and both right.

Recently, I went to the doctor with a number of very minor concerns. I am preparing to go away for 6 months, and this has created an urgency in me to ask all those questions that one puts off for another day. One of the very minor questions I asked was about a spot on my finger. Initially I thought it was a sliver that had sort of grown over and created a callous but 1.5 years (yes, YEARS) later it has not changed or grown or healed and so I asked the question.... what is this? The doctor told me it was a wart and he could take care of it in the office immediately. All it would take was some Liquid Nitrogen.

So, how is a wart like sin? As I sit here, there are 42 different paths that I could take to answer this question, but I will follow on the original tack.

Let me tell you about my doctor, he is an older gentleman, soft spoken, caring, and kind, yet he knows what he is doing and is very good at it. He is quick to set you at ease, and takes the time to help you understand what the situation is. He came back into the office with the liquid nitrogen and prepared to take care of my wart. Suddenly I realized that extreme cold, and my water-filled skin cells weren't going to get along very well! I asked if it was going to hurt, he assured me that it would hurt, but not too much. With strength that I couldn't have imagined he held my finger in one hand and applied the liquid nitrogen right on the spot where the wart is, then he held it there.. for a long time. As he did this, he explained that the cold kills the cells of the wart and that they die and fall off. He mentioned that he was going to do a second application to ensure that we got to the root of it. It is now a few days later, and the spot still hurts, but I know that soon I will see the benefit as this wart falls off my finger.

It seems to me that this is a great metaphor for sin. God IS a gentleman, He does invite us to be in relationship with Him. If we follow His advice and counsel, we are in good hands. Just like my doctor would not have come and found me at home, held me down and applied the same treatment, God doesn't force Himself on us. I do know from personal experience though, when we invite God into our lives, and ask His assistance with sin, once we submit, the procedure of dealing with sin MUST be ruthless, can be painful, and it sometimes needs to be repeated. God's strength is sufficient to not only deal with the surface, but to get right down into the root.

Grace is sufficient and abundant for those moments when we see the sin, yet are not ready to deal with it-just yet. We all have people around us who we see their warts (and they see ours) and our temptation is to deal with THEM ruthlessly. That is not our job, God doesn't invade your life, and He won't invade others' lives. But He does call to us in the night, He does make us uncomfortable, He does give us opportunities to draw close.... then, just when we are ready.... HE takes us in His arms, assures us that although it's likely going to hurt, HE has the answer and the cure. Then He goes to work.... ruthlessly..... lovingly.

Is there a 'wart' in your life that you need treatment for?

Heart breaking......

2008-05-16T22:55:00.002-04:00

The next step... another level of the horrific nature of what we are fighting against in Afghanistan. This breaks my heart.

We need to pray.

This puts our soldiers in an even more precarious position. Suddenly, even children become a threat, how can we fight against this foe?

What would you do?

2008-05-15T23:20:00.002-04:00

As I recently posted, I am going overseas for 6 months on a job opportunity that is over the top amazing! I am so excited about it. There is one area that requires more preparation and thought than the others. I am confident that I have the physical equipment that I need, the little comforts of home and all of that, but I am not sure I have the spiritual equpiment that I need.

I suppose it could be argued that all one needs on a long trip away from home is one's Bible, and that should sustain. I suppose that if I was the great Christian that I wanted to be, that would be enough. I know though, that I need a wider variety of spiritual inputs in order to keep my boiling point high.

Th environment that I will be working in, is one that not only has very little input spiritually, but it also will be very draining. I think it would be challenging even if I was here at home, even more so being away from the community I rely on so much.

Even as I write this, I know that God will sustain me because He has called me to this. I have been praying for a long time to have a self-perpetuating faith that doesn't rely on others for its strength. Now that I not to say that we don't need one another, rather that sometimes I think we rely too much on one another and not enough on our relationship with God.

So, here is my question.......

If you were going to be away from all of your spiritual supports for 6 months... what would you pack to take with you?

Contentment

2008-05-15T18:19:00.002-04:00

Contentment is a big struggle for a lot of people. God encourages us in the Bible to dream big dreams, and to do great things for Him. But then, paradoxically, there are entreaties to contentment, to bloom where you are planted, and to make the most of every situation. As a single person, my biggest desire was that the unmet desire for a husband would magically disappear. I always felt like as long as it was still a want in my life, I never really would be surrendered to God. This became, as I think it does for many, a topic at issue with the Lord. It was easy to say BUT GOD, YOU PUT THIS HERE, fill it, or take it away. I think I just mis-understood contentment.

Do you sometimes fight with the tension of appreciating the now, but eager for the hope of tomorrow's promise?

I talk to mothers who are struggling with the stage of life their kids are in and want to get to the next stage, but know that this is a one-shot deal "there are no re-runs". What about the people who are working in the job that God has given them for today, but nursing massive dreams?

We are encouraged in scripture to dream God-sized dreams. Nehemiah dreamt of the walls being rebuilt, Moses dreamt of a promised land, David dreamt about bringing the Ark of the covenant back into the temple.

How do live in the now and the not yet??

I was listening to a Joyce Meyer podcast and (as always) something little that she said, carried a life-changing truth. She said "contentment does not equal apathy".

It's possible that we think of contentment as a place to arrive at and be totally OK with. I often think of contentment as the perfect place that I just want to camp out in and tuck my head into the chest of God and live there, that nothing else will ever pique my interest or catch my eye.

And that is the struggle..... but contentment is not a place, or a destination. It is not apathy!

I have always heard it, but now I think I better understand it when we say "contentment is an attitude". I am starting to see that contenment creeps up into your life not in a momentary epiphany, but rather in a slow realization that your heart and mind are different. That things just are different!

What do you think about contentment?

Counting Down

2008-05-13T10:08:00.002-04:00

I am heading overseas for an extended employment opportunity! I can't wait, this has been in the works for few months, and in my heart for over a year! My departure date is less than 60 days away! It seems simultaneously too much and not enough time!

The Word of God says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick". I believe that God built into us a need and a desire to have something to look forward to, and yet as soon as there is a firm date... time seems to drag!

I have been counting down in one way or another for over a year- I have been counting down the pounds left to lose to hit my goal, I have been counting down the number of weeks left in my income, the number of dollars in my bank account! I suppose we all have to take stock of where we stand in our lives as it helps us mark our progress or assures us of our success.

What are you counting down to?

The Lord's Prayer

2008-05-09T09:42:00.002-04:00

Do you ever feel like your voice is lost in the millions of voices?

In the province of Ontario there is a push to remove the Lord's Prayer from being read at the opening of sessions. This has long been a contentious issue all over the country. At the risk of sounding like an alarmist Christian, I think that one of the reasons that Ontario is struggling financially is because we have a leader who is working very hard to abolish all things of God. He is seeking to win a greater base of voters by pushing a heavy multi-cultural agenda. Unfortunately in our Canadian culture, multi-cultural ism has created a situation where, often, it seems like the minorities' cultures are valued above traditional Canadian cultures.

We no longer say "Merry Christmas", the Lord's Prayer has been removed from schools, and teachers are required to give all religions equal time - even when they are not adequately qualified to represent those faiths with accuracy!

So you can have a say...

If you want a simple way to be part of the legislative process.

Please go to www.ontla.on.ca which is our Legislature Assembly website. Scroll down the page to click Consultation on prayer in the Legislature Assembly. You only need to fill in the 3 yellow shaded areas marked with *.

Comments

2008-05-07T07:58:00.002-04:00

Things have changed a little at lauracoxworth.com.....

The comments will now be moderated-for a variety of reasons. I have a new role in my life that requires some additional discretion, and so, to avoid any unintentional problems with people's comments I will be moderating them!

ALL comments are soo appreciated, however, not all comments can be published under the new constraints!

To the Nations

2008-05-05T09:46:00.004-04:00

Canada, as many of you know is a nation whose spiritual destiny is to the other nations of the world. Everytime a prophetic word comes to us in Canada, there is always a reaching out aspect. I love it. I think that it fits nicely with the ethos of our country. We have always been a nation that will look beyond it's own boarders to ensure the peace and tranquility of other nations. We did it in our Peacekeeping around the world, we do it with our immigration policies, our citizens do it through humanitarian activites. This is not to presume to say that Canada is the ONLY country doing it, merely that we have always been a nation of 'goers'.

I believe that we haven't even begun to see how the world can be changed when Canadians find their true strength in the power of God, and begin to sow seeds of healing around the world. The Bible talks about the leaves for healing, and so it is no coincidence that our national flag includes a leaf.

I recently attended a conference on the war in Afghanistan. I learned MANY great and interesting things. One of the seminars was about the morale and wellness programs that a civilian arm of the Canadian Forces provides to Canadian soldiers in combat theatres around the world, most especially in Kandahar. I heard about the Tim Horton's coffee (for those who are not Canadians, Tim Horton's is a coffee and donut place that is as much a part of our collective culture as.... football to the Americans) , the retail stores, the fitness programs. All of these programs are provided to the Soldiers by CANADIAN CIVILIANS who take time out of their lives 6 months at a stretch to go and serve the troops.

I also learned that we are the only nation in Kandahar that sends our own civilians. There are 16 nations that are part of the war in Afghanistan and on the base there, and we are the only ones who have 'familliar' faces providing these services to the troops. Our people know their language, they know the places the soldiers are from, and often times, they know the soldiers themselves. How comforting would that be as a soldier?

The even cooler part of this whole situation is that the retail locations serve ALL NATIONS! It doesn't take new soldiers of any nation very long to find out that Tim's has the best service and the best coffee. I heard all sorts of stories from around the world of troops from as far away as Denmark whose tour in Afghanistan was made more tolerable by the work that our people are doing. It is and it is not about the coffee, though. I heard over and over that the impact was made by the people themselves, working behind the counters of the retail locations. Canadians are out there touching the lives of people around the world.

This is ALL done by a government agency who doesn't even begin to touch on the spiritual needs!! If simply being Canadian qualifies us, then how much more does being a Christian Canadian mean that if we just 'get' how much God is desperate to see the nations of the world touched for the Gospel!! We have it in us.... go, make disciples, touch the nations.

What does this mean???

2008-05-04T13:57:00.002-04:00

Has anyone else noticed that supermarket ice cream doesn't actually melt???

When I was a kid, we used to wait for our ice cream to melt a bit and then we would stir it around and around to make a soft serve type dessert. If you left a carton out for long enough though, it would turn to liquid pretty quickly! This has all changed. A few years ago, I plopped (by accident) ice cream on my counter, it was a premuim brand, and it happened to stay there for about a week..... (Ddon't judge me, for I am new creation!) It was incredible. There was no change in the consistency or colour or anything! It just stayed there for a week, until I had to scrape it off with a kinfe!

This weekend, I had copious amounts of girl time, ergo, copious amounts of icecream (it's what we do, right ladies?) On 2 different occasions with 2 different brands and 2 different flavours, I noticed the same thing. Ice cream no longer melts to a liquid form, it merely morphs into some strange plastic looking goop that just 'is'. It makes me wonder what could they possibly be putting in those cartons, that we, in turn, are ingesting.

It makes you wonder!

Living on Faith

2008-05-02T10:59:00.002-04:00

Often throughout my adult life I have heard amazing stories of men and women of God who followed the leading of the Lord and that created a situation where their income was far below what was necessary to pay the bills. There are always amazing stories of sitting down to dinner with the family when there was no food on the table or in the house, and just believing God for provision.

I grew up in an upper middle class family where the lack of at least 2 high end cuts of steak was tantamount to impending doom. It wasn't always like that.. or so my parents tell me. I know that there were some lean years, but I was too young to have any sort of memory of that time. So for as long as I can recall, there has never been cause for alarm. We always felt secure at home, that we would be provided for. Even into my young adult years I would often "grocery shop" from my mother's fridge if the need required it.

So when I hear stories of living on faith with a family along, I am torn. I am torn between the prayers of "God I don't think that I could handle that" and "God, it would be so cool to know your faithfulness to that level..... please don't ever ask me to do that... but it would be cool!" I have friends who are missionaries and every penny that comes into their home and ministry is from donations. I have seen God's faithfulness to them all through that time.

This last year has been quite an adventure. It has been a journey of evolving faith and trust in God's ability and willingness to take care of me. Although I haven't quite gotten to the point of setting a table with no food in the house, I have come pretty close to it. God has allowed the systems of the world, and divine timing to work together to provide for me. There are so many things that I have learned, but that is for later.

I recently was offered a contract overseas. It begins in July and lasts for 6 months. Awesome... I am pumped.... except that all outside sources of income stopped at the end of April, and one of my tenants moved out (they were paying the mortgage!). In order to go overseas, there are quite naturally some things that need to be purchased... so I was thinking that there wasn't going to be enough to make it through the 2 months income-free.

BUT GOD..... has other plans...

I got a call about a part-time job... some residual income from a contract that I had... and when I add everything together.... take out 2 month's expenses-including record gas prices!- THERE IS $40.00 LEFT OVER!!!! How is it possible???? God.

I have a sneaking suspicion that God is raising my faith level for some purpose down the road... and like the kind Father that He is, He is easing me in slowly. If I had been asked this time last year to be in this situation, I would have FREAKED out!!! Today though, I am backed far enough against a wall that I have no choice but to trust God!

Call to Prayer

2008-04-29T21:45:00.002-04:00

Every once in a while God chooses to tie up loose ends. About this time last year, I began to experience something very strange. I started waking up almost every night at 3:30 am. For no reason that was clear. I wasn't thirsty, in need of the restroom, or too hot or too cold- I just would wake up, be awake for about 5 minutes, and then back to sleep. After about 3 weeks of this, I mentioned it to a friend who asked "what are you supposed to be praying for?" as if it was the most obvious thing in world. I am ashamed to say that I had not even thought of that!!

I began to follow this advice. During these special times, I developed a deeper heart for the Muslim community. I pray regularly for those in authority, for the warriors on both sides, and especially for the people of Afghanistan who are caught in the middle of a very difficult situation.

Recently, I was in a seminar about Islam. What an interesting eye-opening seminar. The most interesting thing that I learned though, was that the Muslim's day begins with prayer...... at 3:30am!!!

Suddenly I knew, I understood why God had started to wake me up at that time, and why this time of prayer evolved into prayer for Muslims! How great is our God!!

Taking a Break!

2008-04-11T10:32:00.002-04:00

I am off for 2 weeks of training for a new job I hope to get. There will be limited time/Internet Access, so I might not be able to post. The nature of the training would seem to me to be rife with blogging opportuniies... so stay tuned!

Every time.... I will hold your hand

2008-04-10T11:38:00.003-04:00

There are things in our lives as Christians that take on the dubious status of "thorn in the flesh". If you recall Paul suffered with an affliction that he knew was from the Lord so that he would be limited just enough that he had no choice but to rely on God.

I have a situation that is self-inflicted, but afflicting none the less. It is an ongoing issue, I know that you have something like that too! How do I know?? Because you are a red-blooded human with a pulse! It is that one thing that I feel like should be dealt with. I want equally to eradicate it from my life and hold onto it for the small payoff that it brings. More than that, I want to WANT to have it gone, but can't seem to be able to.

It is important to say that, at it's core, is not an issue of sin. It could more accurately be said that it is an issue of trust in God. In my mind it occupies too much time and energy and I feel like I talk about it too much as well. Everytime it comes up in conversation, I feel like the people sitting with me chatting MUST be rolling their eyes inside and thinking "aren't we done with this YET?" During a dinner with a friend who could be considered one of the best friends anyone on earth has or ever has had (no exaggeration!) we hashed out some stuff surrounding this issue and I was trying to close the subject because I was ashamed to still be dealing with it after all this time.

Last Thanksgiving, this friend said that she hoped (for the sake of my stress level) not to have to be talking about it at Christmas. But that if we were, there was a comfy chair and a hot beverage with my name on it. So that was Christmas, we are now PAST Easter, and it is still occupying my life!

In her wisdom and grace this week, she reminded me that God knows the solution to this and that perhaps I wasn't communicating with God-the one who knows the answers. Then she said something that penetrated to my deepest heart. It was one of those "kindest things ever" statements. She said something to the effect of: I want this to be resolved in your life to avoid the stress and heartache, but if you need to talk about it everyday I will hold your hand through it.... EVERYTIME.

It was one of those moments that I knew that I knew, I have a friend who truly sticks closer than a brother. In this world of instant answers and 12-step programs, my friend met a need in my life to just BE THERE despite giving me advice that potentially could resolve this forever. She is willing to patiently stand by holding my hand through the hurt until such time as God ordains that surgery is needed to take this thorn out of my side. Then, I know she will pick me up, brush me off and celebrate the victory without so much as a single "I told you so!"

What a friend!!

One More Opportunity

2008-04-08T10:04:00.003-04:00

This week is the end of the waiting! I have been waiting for a new opportunity for about a year. There is a chance to do something life-changing and it is imminent. I have been invited to the 2 week training to prepare for it, and then after that I will know for sure if I got the job. I am excited BEYOND all reason. This has been all that is on my radar for about a year.

The type of opportunity this is carries with it some danger, and it is the type of thing that one doesn't go into lightly, I am fully surrendered to the thought that if it is not of God- I DON'T want to go. But everything within knows that if God is there with me, all will be OK.

As the time is drawing closer and my excitement level increases, as does a nagging feeling in the back of my head. I keep recalling all the amazing jobs that I wanted, but didn't get, all the heartache of men who didn't return my affection. While it is easy in the saner moments to KNOW that God had His hand in each of those situations, my human heart is nervous that God will deny me this chance as well.

Its that old lie of "if you want it too much, God will take it away".

I am having to fight the lies of the enemy that would say, God will never come through for you, or that would tell me that I cannot accomplish or do what is needed in this time.

There seems to be a level of holiness attached to circumstances that you are dragged into; Moses protested because of His stutter, Saul had to be physically stopped on the roadside. The idea of doing something for God that you don't want to do carries a legitimacy which ambition seems to negate. I recall though, in Nehemiah, God blessed him with a burden to rebuild the walls, and he went to his employer and asked for a leave of absence and it was granted.

We hear story after story of people dragged kicking and screaming into the service of God in an area that they never wanted to go, but what about the happy helpers? What about those who have battled internally? Who have fought their insecurities and what others expect of them in order to take a step of faith far beyond their comfort zone and come to a place of passionate willingness?

God knows the end from the beginning. HE will be my sustainer, I am a willing participant in the plans of God for my life. Now to deal with this pride.......

Day by Day Part Blue!

2008-03-30T15:07:00.004-04:00

You saw the pink cards I made for my little sister...I wanted her to know how much I love her everyday. On another occasion, I had the opportunity to do something similar for a male friend who was going to be away. I put together a similar package of cards, but these ones were scriptures and quotes from great men in History. Winston Churchill, Plato, Jesus (their greatness is not in that order... obviously).

It was my desire that as he was away from home, that he would be reminded of the impact he was having on the lives of those around him. He travels quite a bit for work, and so we don't often get to spend a lot of time with him, It was my hope that the cards he read daily would have a layering effect on his life, that I would, in effect, build a 'case' for the importance of his presence to us. That day by day, tidbit by tidbit he would see a fuller picture of how well regarded he is.

We need to spend time daily finding the words and thoughts that God has toward us. Just like my sister, we need to be reminded of what God's word says, and we need something daily. It is in the daily communication that the messages are layered one on the other until, we have a fuller picture of God's purpose for us. These daily interactions are designed to have a cumulative effect. That as we absorb a little at a time, more will truly be retained.

It is not the sprint of a crash diet, but slow steady marathon of a lifestyle change.

Do you feel the cumulative effect of your time daily with God?

Day by Day Part 2

2008-03-30T15:07:00.001-04:00

New to Me!

2008-03-29T16:41:00.001-04:00

I found a new fav artist. His name is Aaron Shust. I came across him totally by accident, I was watching a video on You Tube, and they used his music as the backdrop.

Very deep words, nice sound, very "sing-alongable"!

Day by Day

2008-03-25T11:44:00.005-04:00

Every day there should be a new word. Everyone should have a new moment in God. I have on a couple of occasions recently made birthday gifts of cards that are to be opened one a day. It is not my original idea, I do it because I loved recieving a package like that for my birthday one year. This has been my gift of choice because in the case of my little sister, I wanted her to know that I think of her everyday and all the amazing things that are part of who she is. We don't talk everyday, and I sometimes wonder if she knows how much she is in my thoughts. So, for her 26th birthday, I printed 26 cards, each with one dictionary definition of words that describe her. They each got an envelope, and it was all tied with a beautiful ribbon.

There are times when I wonder how much God thinks of me throughout the day. His word says that his thoughts toward us exceed the grains of sand (Psalm 139:17-18), but do we take the time to hear from him everyday.

In the busyness of my life, I stopped and realized that it has been a while since I undid the ribbon and opened another envelope of His word, and because we haven't really spoken at length, it is easy for me to wonder how much He really thinks of me at all. The truth is, He has prepared enough words for every moment of everyday of our lives.

If my sister had not chosen to open the envelopes, she might have wondered about how often I think of her, or, if our schedules had prevented a phone call, she might have even wondered if I loved her still. Yet all that time sitting right in front of her was the proof of my love and thoughts toward her.

Do you ever forget to open the word of God, and then wonder if He still loves you?

Stay tuned for part 2

All about the shoes!

2008-03-25T11:26:00.002-04:00

If you are surprised that I can do a whole post on a pair of shoes, either this is your first visit to LauraCoxworth.com, or we have never met. I have a rule in my life.

"I always want to be barefoot, but if that is not possible, my feet need to be in a pair of FIERCE shoes, or amazing cotton gym socks"

If you think that I am kidding, I am not.

Knowing my love of all things shoes, my amazing roommate purchased for me a pair of really beautiful HIGH stilettos for Christmas. I had not worn them though, because they are just a bit too big, and the heels are so high, that you don't want to risk falling off!

I pulled the shoes out for the Nails because frankly they are soooo nice. The only problem is that this year, the stage had about 40 steps of various heights and placements that I had to navigate around to do my part. Normally I choose shoes that are completely safe, snug fitting and preferably with some sort of strap for insurance, so I am not really sure what I was thinking with this year's choice.

As I think about it though, it is possible that these shoes were the PERFECT shoes for what God wanted me to see and understand. The combination of size, height, and stairs meant that EVERY step had to be thought through, every movement carefully considered,

In carefully considering every step, I realized that it didn't make sense to take extra steps just because I felt I HAD to. It forced me to be more efficient in my movements. As well, when amateur actors (and I am definitely in that category) get on stage, there can be a tendency towards frenetic movement that can look panicked from the audience. I am sure that I looked much more settled than I felt simply because I didn't want to risk the extra steps.

Is is possible that God can speak to me through my shoes? I love God, He loves me, and I LOVE SHOES, so it seems a logical extension.

Here is what I discovered: Anything that keeps me a little off balance has the amazing by-product of sending me right into the hands of God. I have discovered over my journey a reliance on Him that I hadn't before. As well, I have discovered that sometimes movement for the sake of having something to do steals something from the experience you are trying to have. I have learned the benefits of waiting one more moment before taking what I feel is the next step.

Onstage when the lights dimmed but I needed to walk down some steep stairs, it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the light, but if I waited that extra moment, I was much more confident that I wouldn't fall down the stairs. I have learned it is the same with God. Occasionally, He calls us to something with a short timeline, and delay in that case IS disobedience, however, more often then not, another moment to consider is actually better.

Has there been a situation where you took extra time to ponder and had a lot more safety doing what God had called you to?

What about the Nails?

2008-03-22T11:35:00.002-04:00

Every year at TLC we do an Easter Production called "The Nails". If you have ever heard the Easter story you know the general plot. TLC takes a little twist on the story to tell it from the perspective of the blacksmith who made the nails that Jesus was crucified with. It is dramatic and life-changing. I have played the same part for 3 years and every year, it has been a profound and amazing experience.

When you are in your 3rd year of playing the same role, the focus of energy moves away from remembering the lines, to finding depths beyond the words-finding a new way to communicate them. We perform it 3 times, and every time there is a different experience. God comes in and takes over and I feel the differences in the words and meanings. It is like God tailor makes each experience for each audience. We as the cast are just along for the ride.

The reason we do it, is ALWAYS about the lives that it will impact. ALWAYS. Occasionally, however, God somehow steps in and changes me in the process. I was, for some unknown reason, more nervous this year.... actually afraid is more accurate. I was afraid of saying the wrong lines, getting the scene mixed up... and a big source of my anxiety were my SHOES!!

I couldn't find any nice shoes that would compliment my outfit, and so I decided on a pair that were a gift, yet a bit too big. Being as high as they were and a bit too big, I was nervous about falling or stepping out of them onstage. Nothing happened, and my dignity is intact, but as I ponder about the shoes I realized that there is an underlying lesson to be had.

I found, more than other years, that I TRULY had to turn it all over to God. A few months ago, I had an incredible realization about the equipping of God. In a Joyce Meyer podcast, I was reminded so clearly that "what God calls you to, He also equips you for". Backstage, waiting for my cues, I would breath deeply and remind myself that everything was in God's hands. I was not responsible for the people's salvation, I was simply called to do my part.

The more focused I became on that reality the stronger I felt, and the more at peace I became. There are a few things that God is calling me to in the next season of my life where this truth needs to be drilled right down into the depths of my until it rests in the marrow of my bones. I will have no other option than to rely solely on the equipping of God.

This was a truth that needed to be embraced quickly because of the immediate and very public nature of what I was called to do, but it served as a wonderful reminder for everyday.

Stay tuned for more about the shoes!!

2 faces of me.

2008-03-16T22:08:00.004-04:00

I had a goal. 13 months, 17 days ago, I had began a program that I was praying was going to change my life. For many years, I was unhappy with my weight, and I never felt like I could successfully do anything about it. I tried to follow diets and programs but none ever lasted more that about 4 hours. For those who have ever had something in your life you just couldn't conquer, you know what it is like to have a dream in your heart but no capacity to hope for a change. That is where I was.

One day, I decided that I needed to stop eating the way I was eating or I had to just suck up the reality that my poor choices were resulting in a body that I didn't want. It came to the point where I just had to forget about hoping or justifying or planning, I simply gave up on diets and fads. I realized that I had to 'own' what I was doing to myself. Either way, I had to stop beating myself up over and over and over again for the same issues. Mostly I had to just admit that no matter how 'good' it was to go to the gym, it didn't make me feel good, and everytime I DIDN'T go I felt worse about myself.

For a year, I stopped paying attention to what I was doing, and more than that I stopped beating myself up about it. There was no majic pill, no change in circumstances, and no moment waiting just around the corner that would transform me miraculously into the size 6 supermodel I thought I wanted to be. Instead of beating myself up about it, all I did was become a student of myself-my feelings, my reactions, my interactions with the world around me. I tried very hard not to sugar coat what I was thinking and feeling.

Toward the end of that 'observation period' I realized that I was actually pretty proud of the PERSON I had become, I watched as I became thoughful, loyal friend, and a chaser of God. I found that the shape my body was in was changing my personality, and I didn't like that, but I was able to differentiate what I looked like from who I was.

In January of '07, I was watching TV and saw an ad for a weightloss program that a friend had found great success with. It just seemed RIGHT. There was an inevitability about the situation that directed me.

13 months and 17 days later I have achieved my original goal of 50 pounds lost.

As you can imagine, this has changed my life. Surprisingly though, it hasn't had the profound internal impact that I always though weight loss would. I KNOW that if I hadn't dealt with the mechanic of eating separatly from how I felt about myself, I never would have succeeded. Although there are a lot of changes in my life that have been the result of the weightloss, it hasn't actually changed much of WHO I am. I am still that same person I was before-who I was proud to be before, just now the outside is less burdensome to carry around.

So often when we are attempting to make drastic changes in our lives, we confuse the activity we are trying to change with the person that we are.

Here is a quick side-by-side to give you an idea.....

Preparation Time Part 4

2008-03-14T11:40:00.001-04:00

...Continued from Part 3

God had a plan to get me ready and in position to step into the destiny that he has called me to. God knew what it would take to bring me to a place of total surrender…. Through this process I have discovered: 1) Only I am qualified to define my strengths 2) God has placed in me a really good sense of what is right for me 3) I need ‘hands on’ direct access to the things of God. 4) No matter what God is calling you to… no matter how long it takes to get you there, He is daily invested in propelling you toward your destinyWhen God is in control, it is always His way and timeline…..

Imagine Esther, one day she is an orphan living with her uncle, one year later, she is the queen of a great nation. There are so many times that God calls us to something bigger our lives, yet our thinking and our identity holds us back. We think like an orphan when God is calling us to be a queen. We need to change the way we think about ourselves in order to fulfill what God is calling us to.

This is not an easy feat, however I have found that steeping myself in the things of God, has the natural result of changing your heart and mind without even trying. Is this is what God referrs to when He says "seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you."?
Occasionally, I find surprise myself by doing something, or thinking in a different way than I
used to.

Go, be the Esther God is calling you to be!

Preparation Time Part 3

2008-03-11T20:37:00.003-04:00

.... continued from Part 2

I sat. I waited and just ‘was’. There were questions, from those around me-from concerned parents who worried as time went on. I didn’t know what God was up to, but I knew that He was in control. Occasionally God would take the time to remind me that I was in a 52 week process.

In December, one night, I couldn’t sleep, I was just lying awake ‘processing’. This is the term that I use when I am going over and over all the loose ends in my head, attempting to look at them from different angles to see where they might fit together, or where God might be leading.

I began to realize that what I really wanted to do was to go back to school. I didn’t know how that was going to happen, or when, but it became my focus to find a way. A number of options were weighed and discarded. Finally, the I had an idea. It fit with all the objectives I had set out, it made sense, it was multi-purposed, and it was JUST enough beyond my ability that I would have to rely completely on God! As time went on, I began to do the background research to find out what was going to be possible and what was not.

January came along, and we began the series in our lifegroup "Now discover your strengths". Everything that I had been working through I KNOW that I KNOW was needed to set the stage for “trombone player wanted”. The breakthrough moment of this series was when Marcus said that ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR STRENGTHS ARE.

All my life, I have allowed people to speak into my life and have defined my actions with what they said. I have on a couple of different occasions, wanted to change my career, hand I did what all the self-help books said to do…. I asked people who are successful what they saw when they looked at me. Then I chased after that identity, only to be devastated when it didn’t quite fit.

The week of my birthday (January 20th), I was working to define the plan a little more clearly. Using the concepts that we were learning at lifegroup, I spent a long time thinking and praying about what my strengths are, and gradually, it all came into clear focus. By the time the 52nd week came along, I had changed, I don’t mean that I was beginning a plan of changes,…. I HAVE changed.

I can only imagine that Esther could barely recognize herself when she looked in the mirror, I can see her stepping out in a function of royalty only to think to herself “how is it that I am doing this?” I feel that way occasionally….. I find myself doing things I never thought I would…. And LOVING it.

Preparation Time Part 2

2008-03-10T14:12:00.002-04:00

A few months passed and I wasn’t hearing much from God about where I should look for work, or what I was supposed to be doing not only with this time, but with the rest of my life.

I began to see patterns emerging. About every 2 months or so, I would be going along seemingly fine and then crisis would hit. I began to see that each crisis carried with it a major theme.

The first stage was about identity… who am I, I am more than the job title I have, I am a child of Christ, this was to continue to be a recurring theme. The next was about God’s willingness to provide for me. I never doubted His ability, but what about his willingness? After that, I spent a lot of time discovering what Godly femininity is, and some of the barriers in my life toward femininity, next came fitness- my least favourite subject at the time. I intentionally sat and experienced each stage, I chose to be looking for what God was trying to tell me and learn more about His character in the midst of it.

In each stage of this journey, I have had to ruthlessly confront lies that the enemy had sown into my life as the result of a very challenging childhood. For the first time in a long time, I had nothing to distract me. There were just raw, yucky feelings and the pain of confronting hurts that had defined me more than I would ever have thought. It essentially became a 6-month long therapy session…. A little talk-therapy, a lot of tears, a lot of literally just sitting pondering, and I am not gonna lie… a little retail therapy too!!!

In the middle of all this, I needed a career change. I thought, "If I do what I did, I will get what I had, and 5 years from now, I will be in the same situation". This sounds like a great idea, yet, for anyone who has ever tried, it is easier said than done.

In June I made a decision to walk through ANY door that opened-cautiously but wholly. I would step through it. I would explore that until my gut told me otherwise, or until the door closed. It seems like everyone has a suggestion, and I discovered that what people were seeing me doing were the same things that they had always seen me doing. In previous situations I had grasped what people told me they thought I should be doing and put a lot of effort into that career. Except a few months down the road, I hated it or was rotten at. So suddenly I have discovered that what people see in me, I am not good at! It truly caused me to question my identity and worth in moments like that. This time, I realized quickly that none of the suggestions fit with what was in my heart.

So there I was needed money to pay the bills, with no idea where to even begin to look for work, and when I did submit resumes to jobs similar to what I had successfully done in the past, I was turned down. It took a lot to remind myself that I had put this whole process in God’s hands, and I had turned over control to Him.

Stay tuned for Part 3

Preparation Time

2008-03-06T23:43:00.002-05:00

Recently, I was privileged to give my testimony at lifegroup. It was so amazing to tell a group what God has been doing in my life. I am posting it over the next little while... here is part 1!

Esther was a beautiful young woman who was chosen to go into the household of the king to be trained and perhaps chosen as his wife. The bible says that she was a woman of incomparable beauty. When she moved into the palace, she underwent 1 year of treatments and training before she could be presented to the king. When she was presented to the king, he found favour with her and she replaced his wife as queen. In the position of queen, she was given the favour she needed to save her whole people group from extinction. You know the story; those are the broad-strokes.

I tell you this story because, in January of 07, I was an overweight, unhappy woman with no joy in my job, and a string of failures with attempting to lose weight. I was single with no prospects, or much hope. Life was pretty bleak in those areas, but I desperately loved the lord and had amazing friends, and I was staying busy with the Lord.

I had just spent more money than I could truly afford to buy into a weigh-loss program that is a year from beginning to end. I was standing in my bathroom doing my hair when a quiet voice broke through and said “52 weeks of preparation” I had just been reading the book of Esther and I knew her story. I knew immediately it was the Lord and said “52 week until WHAT??” My immediate thought of course… went to “A MAN!!!” My heart started beating… I asked…. Until my wedding? Until I meet Him??? and then I got a hold of myself and thought… maybe it is 52 weeks until I am launched into a great new career….

I took a moment to think about all the wondrous possibilities this might relate to and then I gave it to the Lord, and tucked it away. I have learned, that, when dealing with the things of God, he is “above and beyond anything I can ask or imagine”, and I never truly can guess what god has up His sleeve.

On I go about my life…. A job that I hated, but I began to see success with my weight loss.

Fast forward to June, I lost my job. It was one of the inexplicable situations that can only be God taking me out of a situation that was killing my soul one day at a time. Even though I KNEW it was God, it was still crappy!

I decided just after I lost my job, that since this was a circumstance that God had orchestrated, I wanted get as much as I could out of whatever was going to come my way . Passed and I wasn’t hearing much from God about where I should look for work, or what I was supposed to be doing not only with this time, but with the rest of my life.

Do something for the first time-again!

2008-02-29T13:32:00.002-05:00

Do you remember what it was like to do something for the first time? Do you remember what pumping that first tank of gas into your first car was like? I remember paying my first hydro bill 2 years ago when I bought my first house. There is a cool thrill that goes through you when you do something for the first time. I had the amazing privilege of reconnecting with an old family friend last week. As we got caught up on our lives she began to talk about wanting to start writing but not knowing how to go about that. I mentioned Blogging. She started to ask me questions about it and I was telling her about the benefits and the joys of blogging. I told her how nervous I was the first time I pressed "publish post". It got me thinking, how over time, those things that used to give us such a thrill become commonplace and even sometimes drudgery because we do them so much.

When we tap into that feeling again our whole view changes. I am about 80% sure that I will be overseas for 6 months beginning in May or June, and suddenly I am seeing things in my life in a whole different way. I will be living in a self-sustaining environment in the middle east. For security reasons I will not be travelling outside a small area and so I will not likely drive very much. I will be fed in a cafeteria-style location, so I won't be cooking...Things that we take so much for granted I am beginning to see in a whole new light!

More than that though, I have had the most amazing opportunity to disciple a few new Christians. It is so much fun to remember what it was like to be a new Christian. Questions come up like "why is it important that Jesus resurrected?" or "what happens to the babies in Africa who die without hearing the gospel?" These are questions that make you stop and think for a moment. These things that we absorb into our consciousness and sort of forget about. I love hearing them, because it requires me to tap into that foundational information of my faith and it reminds me of the joy of my first love.

Take a moment today and see something you think of mundane, through the eyes of someone who is seeing it for the first time. Remember how it felt on your first day!

Sorrow

2008-02-19T19:37:00.003-05:00

Something is in the air. I have experienced it deeply this year, and thought I was alone, but as I speak to others and check in with the friends who have dropped off the radar, I am seeing a trend. It is a trend toward a depressed experience. Some even are starting meds for clinical depression. I am not sure what is happening, there must be something is the 'air'.

Coming into this year, there was a lot of talk about more... more in God, more success, more love within relationships, yet person after person I speak to has been totally and completely sidelined by physical illness or emotional crisis.

When I take a step back and take a poll, I would say that 90% of my closest friends have been 'out of commission' in some form or another at some point in the last 2 months.

This is a year of breakthrough.... we cannot look at our circumstances with natural eyes, we must ask God to show us the super-natural view of things.

In the moments of sorrow and despair, everything within us wants to be alone, we don't want to reach out. But that is exactly what we must do. Recently, I was overcome with a melancholy that couldn't be explained. After a few days went by and things didn't improve, I realized that I needed to reach out. I needed prayer.

I drafted an email to the leaders that I am in close relationship with. Quickly outlining my challenges and asking for prayer. I wept as I drafted the email, it hurt to see my pain on the black and white page. Not only that, it wasn't easy to admit what I was experiencing, I had to fight the lies of the enemy that would say that these woman don't care... or that they had so many 'better'/more important things to worry about. An interesting thing happened... as soon as I pressed "send" the dark cloud I was feeling immediately lifted. When I say IMMEDIATELY... I mean immdiately.. to the point that I almost recalled the email!

In response to this email, I got so many amazingly encouraging words!!!!! How nice to know that people, in the middle of their busy lives, still have the capacity to reach out to a sister in need.

In this time of year, there are lots of people who are feeling alone, hurting and isolated. If that is you, reach out.... keep your eyes open as well for others who might be feeling lonely

Shocking!!

2008-02-07T15:54:00.001-05:00

I was shocked this week as I was looking at some of previews for some of the shows that are scheduled for release in the next few months. I was shocked at 2 specific shows that fly in the face of everything that is good in this world!

The first is a show called Dexter.. as far as I can tell... he is a serial killer who hunts serial killers that the police can't catch. The worst part??? I ACTUALLY for a moment, looked at that and though "that looks soo good!" I would be willing to wager that, through great writing and a handsome actor playing the part, over the course of the season viewers begin to look at Dexter as the 'good guy' and revel in his success at stopping another serial killer.

The second is a show is about a bigamist with 3 wives and multiple kids. Think for a moment how funny that might be.... if I wasn't sooo sad. We have come a long way in 2 generations with what we will allow to be shown in primetime.

I am reminded of the big deal that Will & Grace was when it first came out, there was an outrage that gay humour would be so prevalent. We were told that it would have no effect... it was afterall, just a TV show. But look now, not to many years later what is being aired with NO controversy!!!

The advocates of same-sex marriage would have us believe that there is nothing wrong if a few people want to have their alternate lifestyle commemorated. They also laughed at the idea that it would open the door to all types of realtionships that we don't want in society, including bigamy.

Is this another case of life imitating art? That as a society we become numbed to the issues if they are spoon-fed to us as humour on TV???

An idea with a heartbeat ceases to be black and white!

2008-02-07T14:52:00.001-05:00

There are many things that as Christians we talk about in very strong terms. Mostly they are issues of sin, and should have a strong stand taken against. Life though is not quite as cut and dry as that. We talk about smoking and addiction as being so horrific, and disgusting, but then someone we know and love begins to struggle with this. Suddenly, there is a hearbeat attached to this idea, suddenly it is not so black and white.

Homosexuality is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord..... except a distant relative comes out of the closet....it has a heartbeat... suddenly not so black and white.

It is very difficult as Christians, when we are faced with situations that we feel so strongly about but that impact people we love. It would be much 'safer', much easier if we could move to a moutaintop and not have to face these things. But God hasn't called us to a mountain top... he has called us to the people all around us, our neighbours. We are called to love them with the love of Christ,

Recently, some people who love me very much and who have my very best interest at heart, have come to the conclusion that they have found an incredible guy that I should get to know. they are so convinced of this fact that they are lobbying others in my life to get on side with them. The problem?... he is not a Christian. These are the type of people who, if I brought a non-Christian that they didn't know and introduced him as someone I was spending time with, there would be reproaches and reminders that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers..... yet.... they know this person.... he has a heartbeat... and so things are grey!

I made a decision a number of years ago, that in order to be who God is calling me to be, and to live my life totally passionately on fire with God, I would not marry anyone who is not a Christian, not only that, they have to be at least a mature in the faith as I am. At the time.... this decision was heralded as the best thing I could possibly do.....

Now, however, when I remind these amazing people of my decision, I get some strange responses... "but he can learn to love Jesus".... or "what if you are the person who will bring him to God"...... these responses were so surprising to me, that I began to question my own stand. Then I got cranky!

I am not waivering in this. If this is truly the guy God has for me.... it is HIS job to call him, draw him and equip him to lead us as a couple.... unless that happens.... there is no grey area!! "But he is soo close to being exactly what you want!!" they say! My response?? Have you ever looked at a globe?? Japan and the US look CLOSE.... they are only about 2 inches away.... but in the reality they are worlds apart! Close isn't good enough!

It is a good reminder though... to have grace for people's stuff.... there is a heartbeat attached! Everyone that we love is dealing with issues that would cause us to question our black and white stands on things...

It is, as well, a good reminder that there are some things that I cannot afford to compromise on....

The Next Step

2008-02-07T14:06:00.000-05:00

continued from "It's Decision Time"

I am not so naiive as to believe that I have the WHOLE picture figured out. In times of major upheavel in my life, often God uses bait on a hook to get me to follow in the path He has laid out for me. Kind of like a carrot on a stick.

I am someone who needs the 'back story'. I like to understand the significance of situations because I know that nothing - especially with God- is just one sided. I also know that God almost never reveals the whole story at one time. I think that God has a cool way of bringing me into alignment with His purposes. Here an example of what that has looked like in my life.

God will bring a guy along my path. This guy will be great and will cause me to question things about myself, my beliefs and what I want out of life. My heart is the bait and the guy is the catalyst for change. Through the self-reflection that always occurs when a new guy is on the horizon, I learn something about myslef, and about God. I will come to new conclusions and be better for the experience. The guy will fade off into the distance (and probably marry a good friend) and I am left better than when it all started. I cannot tell you the number of times this has happened in my life. In the midst of the circumstances God 'allows' me to build a story that keeps me invested.

Recently, God has knit my heart to a certain people group. As my passion for that people group grew, I began to look for opportunities to work with that people group. From there, I began to research what qualifications would be needed to impact this people group. I have come to the conclusion that I need to go back to school and get a degree. As I have studied and researched what that would take to go back to school, God has rewritten the story. What I initially thought I would be doing, is not likely what I will end up with, but it has created in me a desire to go back to school, but in order to do that, I will likely end up working with that people group in a different capacity....... whew did that make any sense??

So, I am simply walking out the next step in anticipation of the end result. I am excited about what I believe is coming next and as soon as I have any information I can share..... I know that you will be excited too!

It's Decision Time

2008-02-07T13:15:00.001-05:00

I have some decisions to make. They are career related and time sensitive. This has brought me to another level of 'messy living'. It is tough to weigh all the pros and cons of a decision, then put if through the filter of mortgage payments, church commitments and roots, as well as family pulls, and friendships. Then to top it all off... there is that pesky thing called God's will.

Although I put God's will last on the list, it actually takes complete precedence in my decision-making. It doesn't matter what else is going on, if God says "NO" than the answer is NO!
What happens though, when there seems to be no direct instruction???
Last week at lifegroup, we watched a video in the series called "Trombone Player Wanted" and there was a life-changing idea put forth. The idea that I am the person who is best qualified to know my own strengths. WOW.... I have been looking for the input from others to learn what my strengths are. But this moment in time freed me to begin to define what my strengths are. It empowered me to begin to own who I am.
We are kind of afraid in Christianity of the word "empowered". I think especially as women any strong language about power and self smacks of rebellion and a lack of meekness.

I have begun to realize that God has given me the responsibility to be able to confidently stand in a moment and to say 'that is not my strength'. Jesus gently rebuked his mother when she was pressuring him to do something about the lack of wine at the wedding feast- he said it was not his time. There was no apology and no justification. As you know, in that moment though, there was also compassion and he instructed the servants to fill the canteens with water and when they were poured out, they were of the best wine.

So what do you do when there are open doors but no direct instructions?

In the Old Testament God often gave the Israelites specific instructions regarding what they were to do to overcome their enemies. Other times though, he told them to do what was in their hearts to do.

I think that when your heart is in communication with God, and your life is surrendered, there are moments when He allows us to make decisions that seem right to us. I never want to be out of the will of God, yet sometimes it seems like the heavens are silent. I know that God is always speaking, yet there are no specifics. In these moments, I try to make the wisest choice I can, and then begin to step through the open door of my choosing. Always with one ear cocked toward heaven to hear new instructions. There can be a tendancy, in our lives to do nothing unless we hear otherwise. I have been in that season. I know that it was what God was calling me to for that time. I have learned so much about waiting on God, about trusting Him and knowing that He has the path already set up.

It is however, scary to begin to step out into something new. I have been praying a slightly different prayer of late it is "OK Jesus, I know that is you walking on the waves... everything within me yearns to get out of the boat and walk with you, so unless you tell me not to, I am coming."

There is an echo of the enemy who would try and tell me that is rebellious, and that no instruction is a passive instruction..... but guess what! I have to take ownership of my walk. It is fully surrendered, yet I am the steward of what God has called me to do. If I am not moving forward, I am not in obedience.

I have to trust that my heart is open to His leading and guiding and that He knows me well enough to communicate with me any changes in the game plan.

I will take the next step that God is calling me to......

Your Awakening

2008-02-05T19:39:00.000-05:00

I got this poem by email and loved it. There are some amazing nuggets of truth in there... and some things to dismiss... but overall this is amazing. More than that... it is the best explanation I have been able to come up with for this stage in my life.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it....

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity youstop dead in your tracks and somewhere the the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum,your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice,you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your AWAKENING.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waitingfor something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (orbeginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of"happily ever after" must begin with YOU and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that is OK...they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they meanor mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety &security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself andthe world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should lookand how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage,the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go withyour instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about LOVE. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is withlove...and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy.

And you learn that alone does not mean lonely...And that you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 2 or a perfect10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stackup."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feeling aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectlyOK...and that it is your right to want things and toask for the things you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the one who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple.And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve...and that much of life is truly a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working to make it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a rock of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.

You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in it's most primal state - the EGO. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in manyof the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

~By Sonny Carroll~

Nothing to say!

2008-02-05T12:07:00.000-05:00

I have been, of late, a little frustrated and annoyed at myself for not blogging more. More than that, though I worry that there is so little movement in my life that there is nothing to blog about. But when I take a step back and really look at what is happening, I see that there is SO much going on that this meduim almost doesn't give it justice.

It is a strange situation to be in. I half expect that the next time I look in the mirror, dramatic and remarkable changes will be visible, because that is how I feel on the inside. I am not talking about a nose-job to fix a little bump that is only visible under instense scrutiny... I am talking about extreme makeover-type renovations.

This past few months has been quite the process as God takes me through a process of drilling down on certain lies, foundational truths, ascpects of my identity, and calling. It has been a total Demo and rebuild.

The things that I thought before I no longer think- about myself, about God, about my place in the world. I feel like I am truly becoming more of what God has made me to be. I started out looking for a new job...... one that will fill the days and pay the bills. What I have in my heart now though is a 10-year plan including a pretty dramatic career change, adventure, and a coming-home of sorts into a career that I have been running from.

If you have ever done household renovations, you will know that it is more costly, but actually quite a bit easier to gut out the whole place than to work within the confines of the framework you already have. When you begin with the framework already in place, or structural demands (the staircase cannot move), you are limited in what can truly and fundamentally change, but when you are starting from scratch.... the possibilities are endless.

As things solidify and the path is more clear, I want to share what has been happening... in the meantime though, I have to figure out a way to communicate these changes more effectively so that those around me can respond to them.

How do you communicate the inner changes that you are experiencing?

What's the difference

2008-01-28T11:06:00.001-05:00

God needs a tool to use to catch our attention. He needs to be able to put His finger on an area of our lives when He wants to walk us through the process of change and growth. As we know, there is always another side to everything in God. The enemy would seek to confuse us and tell us all our faults so that we merely feel condemned. How do we tell the difference?

We talk a lot about the conviction of God and the condemnation of the enemy. How do I tell the difference?

Here is what the Dictionary says:
convict1. to prove or declare guilty of an offense, esp. after a legal trial: to convict a prisoner of a felony. 2. to impress with a sense of guilt. –noun 3.a person proved or declared guilty of an offense.

con·dem·na·tion 1. The act of condemning. The state of being condemned. 2. Severe reproof; strong censure. 3. A reason or occasion for condemning.

When I look at the word "condemnation' it seems to carry with it an implication of value. When a building, for example, is condemned, it is no longer of value. It is beyond hope of repair and the only path to take is to tear the building down, it is considered a danger. A prisoner on their way to their execution is 'condemned'. This is contrasted with 'conviction' which is merely a statement of guilt or innocence. When a person is convicted, most often the plan for punishment also includes a plan for rehabilitation- there is hope for them still. This is a key to understanding the difference.

Jesus never shys away from identifying a guilty party. Look at the woman at the well, Peter, Judas, and the woman caught in adultery, Jesus doesn't overlook the sin in their lives, but His focus always was the way out. We can feel the weight of our guilt, but if it of God there is no condemnation.

Here's what the Bible says:
Romans 8:1 1There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

John 3:17 ForGod did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

As we process through the things that God puts His finger on, there is always HOPE, there is always mercy, and always forgiveness.

Am I condemned?

2008-01-28T10:44:00.001-05:00

We have a lot that God can speak to us in our lives. As Christians there sometimes seems to be such high standards for our daily conduct that sometimes it can be overwhelming to meet them. There are also times when in our lives, a lot needs to change, and there are many aspect that God needs to speak to us about. He puts His finger on something, we try to deal with it and then on to the next thing.

Occasionally though, there are competing voices. In our vulnerability to be open to God's voice, we sometimes can be subjected to the competing voice of the one who would try to destroy us. In the midst of hearing from God about our opportunities for growth there can be a nagging, incidious voice that would mock our pain, lie to us about our future and remind us of the mistakes of the past.

Recently I have made a new friend, I am privileged to call this amazing woman my friend. She is a very new Christian and has a lot of questions. She is thirsty for the truth and wanting to be completely surrendered to God. As we began to speak about the things of God, it became clear that she was SO open to direction and promptings from God and those who are further along in the walk that she was getting tossed to and fro by the 'helpful' words of people around her. She rhymed off a laundry list of things that she needed to 'work on'. I could see on her face and hear in her words that she was feeling the condemnation of too much input from 'loving people'.

There is not a day that goes by that I am not confronted by the LONG detailed list of things that I want to address in my life, but the only way to get through the day and to be successful in what gets dealt with is to just focus on those things that GOD is calling me to focus on.

So how do we tell the difference? More next time.....

What else can I say?

2008-01-24T07:39:00.000-05:00

The Headline Reads "Canadian Killed", and once again, our collective hearts mourn.

In the midst of this conflict, though, there IS hope:

"We are making the area more secure, more secure for us and more secure for Afghans, because the Taliban don't make the difference,"said Laroche, commander of Canada's military forces in Afghanistan.
"That's what Canadians are doing, and we won't stop helping the people of Afghanistan."

This will be like that.....

2008-01-22T15:36:00.000-05:00

I have posted a couple of times about the story of David, when he spoke to Saul before going against Goliath. He recalls his past achievements-killing a lion and a bear- and says to Saul "this will be like one of those"
As soon as I read that a couple of months ago, I KNEW that it was a significant scripture. I didn't know why or for what purpose, but I knew that it was going to be a changing scripture in my life.
I posted a couple of weeks ago about those experiences, and how I am going to 'enroll' in seminars on killing "bears" and "lions"because I know that there is a Goliath coming in my life that will go beyond my current experience, yet I need to have those experiences to draw on.
A plan is beginning to take shape, but the precursor to this is fitness.

I have begun to work out hardcore with the assistance of a well trained gym employee who has offered her services - and her friendship. In the course of a month and a half, I have gone from saying "I hate the gym" to lying in bed this morning, trying to find an excuse that would over-ride my desire to get up and go!! It is amazing when you begin to share an experience with someone, and you find that you can do much more than you ever thought possible. Somehow, a weight that I didn't think I could lift once, is too light at the end of 3 sets! It doesn't make sense. Each day is another piece of evidence that says... whatever God calls you to, He also equips you for. I can look back to yesterday and remember what I accomplished, and know that I am stronger today than I was yesterday, and I will be stronger tomorrow. The next weight level is another "this will be like that" moment.
Ultimately, I know that this is not a journey toward a weight-lifting title, it is more about the journey than the destination. I am enjoying though, the destruction of the lies of the enemy that have, for so long, kept me from seeing the fullness of my destiny.

Is there a "Goliath" in your life, that you need to be convinced, in God's power, you can overcome?

Amazing Night

2008-01-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

I had the most amazing night.....In celebration of my birthday this weekend, my mother treated myself and a couple of good friends to a hockey game. Not just any hockey game.... Canadian Forces Appreciation night!

4 of my biggest passions are: Family, friends, Hockey, and the Forces.... what an amazing way to celebrate my birthday! And we won!!

Any opportunity we have to honour those who are willing to do what our Forces do is so special.

A Husband of My Own

2008-01-17T11:12:00.000-05:00

As a single women, I am continually seeking a relationship with God that fills all the needs in my life. I seek Him in the morning for the strength and purpose for the day, I chat with Him throughout the day if I am lonely, have a question, or if He lays someone on my heart. I have learned that, in many situations, that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing that I can do to change the outcomes. Whether it is a friend in need who is making what I think is a poor choice, or the hurt of a friend going through a touch situation.

I really don't like the feeling that there is nothing that I can do to change things, but I know that God can do anything.

There is an intimacy with our relationship that I don't think has eve existed before, I want to do more, be more, and accomplish more for Him, in His strength.

The one thing that God cannot do.... GASP...... is change a tire!

I had a situation this weekend, where I had a completely flat tire, normally I would just call my roadside assistance, but I was on my way to host a 60th birthday party for my dad, and couldn't spare the time to wait! I was fighting the overwhelming feeling that was gathering, and trying to reassess the situation, when I received a phone call from a friend- I happened to be in line at the gas station to see if I could leave my car there for a few hours. I told him that I would be late to meet up with the group and explained the situation.

As we were leaving the gas station, one of the men in line a head of me, turned and said "can I change your tire for you?".

I was shocked that a complete stranger would make an offer like this! I was cold and he was likely on his way somewhere... I, of course, took him up on his offer and began to empty the trunk so that he could get at the spare and the jack. As I began to lift the stuff out of the trunk, he came around and said "let me do that for you, you guys go get warm!!!!" I am getting better at accepting assistance, but I still have a hard time not 'paying' for it by doing as much as I can to limit how much work people actually have to do! My friend Leah, who was with me, also had her car, and so we sat in her car, and got warm while this amazing man changed my tire!!!

As we sat there, watching this complete stranger go so completely out of his way for me, I was overwhelmed at how well God takes care of us! Although God normally doesn't change tires, He did conspire to have that man there, and have that phone call come in, so that I could be assisted... how amazing a husband is that??? He is truly everything that I need...

It is my prayer that this man who so generously bailed us out of trouble would be completely blessed beyond measure this week!

Lions and Bears!!

2008-01-14T12:56:00.000-05:00

We all know David was a great king, a warrior and called of God. God anointed David at a young age to be King. We also know that David was a shepherd, he killed a lion and a bear, and then he killed Goliath. Before he went out to fight Goliath, he reminded Saul that he had killed a lion and a bear with his bare hands… he said Goliath “will be like one of those”. David’s faith in God’s ability to protect him came from a life of service to God and his family. While it is always remarkable when someone kills a lion with their bare hands, I wonder if actually killing a lion was really that remarkable. In our lives, where the we never encounter lions or bears, it would be News-worthy, yet, in David’s world, protecting sheep from lions and bears and other predators was part of the daily ‘grind’. While I don’t know in scripture, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that all of David’s brothers had, at one time, killed a lion or a bear, perhaps it was part of the rights of passage, like a young man from a hunting family who bags his first deer!

We look to David’s life, and these events as pre-cursors if you will that show that God’s hand was on his life right from the beginning. We see the greatness in the stories and we all draw the conclusion together that these are “kingly” events. But wait, was it those events which qualified David to be King?

Let’s play a game of “what if?” What if, early in David’s life, he fell out of tree and broke his leg. In those days, he would have been left as a cripple, and not able to kill a lion, or a bear, or even Goliath… would that then have disqualified David from being God’s choice? Is the prerequisite for rule the killing of a giant, a bear and a lion? What about you and I? What about the calls of God that are in our lives that perhaps require skills of us that we have missed out on? We are all crippled in our own ways, life sends us challenges or disappointments that can seem to limit us from the call of God.

In my life, I see the times when I wanted to be able to slay the lion, yet I was held back by my fear of the sheep! I couldn't even do the day to day work that would have opened the door to the greatness of God’s calling.

Does this disqualify me? NOPE! I am realizing though, that I might just have to take a few steps backward and attend some lion killing classes! Then there is the seminar on what to do when a bear comes around! Only when I master those skills can I step into the fullness of what God has. Obviously I am speaking metaphorically! I don’t know exactly what these classes are going to look like, but I am excited!

Oh what a night!!!

2008-01-12T00:33:00.000-05:00

There is so much that is amazing about living in community with one another. Recently, I have been taking a group of single women in our church through a study of a book called “Lady-In-Waiting”. It is an amazing book wrapped in the principles of the story of Ruth. It’s focus is on becoming the woman that God wants us to be. As we shared together, grew together and even cried a little together, it was so amazing to see the relationships that came about from this experience. Between 2 events, our entire group spent New Year’s together-what a special treasure to have friends that you can celebrate with.

We wrapped up our time together with a night of Blessing. We invited some amazing “Titus 2” women who would pray and pour into the women. As a group, we were awestruck at the goodness of God, that He would speak to each of the women in such a personal and loving way.

A very unexpected thing came about as a result of this evening. As we were listening to what God would say to each woman, I realized how much I knew about each of the womens’ longings, and desires, and their relationship with God. This is significant because, for the most part, I have known these ladies less than 1 year, yet, I was able to, as they were being spoken to, acknowledge how ‘on’ each word was. What an amazing thing. It made me realize, once again, that longevity doesn’t always equal intimacy, there are people that I have known for years, yet wouldn’t have been able to say the same things!

This is what comes from “doing life together”. There is a quote that says “A friend is someone who you have fun with no matter the activity, but an acquaintance requires an event.”

This is so true, I have friends who I could sit with in an empty room for a couple of hours and say “that was fun”! It is all about Who they are not what we are doing together! I am so happy to have found more ‘friends’! I love it!

Still sick!

2008-01-08T16:15:00.001-05:00

I can't believe that it is already the 8th!!! There is a lot going on, but not much to tell so I haven't really been able to post-that and I am still ill. I have no idea what is going on, but it is taking everything I have just to get through the day!

I tell you that so that you don't think that I have abandoned my blog.....

Happy New Year

2008-01-05T09:40:00.000-05:00

What can you say at the beginning of a new year, a clean slate, yet one where the echos-both good and bad- from the last year, still reverberate in your ears? I am not even sure how to approach this new year. I feel like I need to put the whole world on pause for a month or two and just process what God did in my life last year, and to gain some focus for this year. But obviously that isn't going to happen.

I am still a woman without a direction..... I have purpose and hopes yet I am waiting on God to point to the next step. There are things that I want to accomplish this year, but mostly I just want MORE.... MORE of God, more intimacy with Him. I had planned to start the year with fasting and prayer, and I got a good start but then my body melted down... almost literally. The back pain was so bad, that I didn't even realize that I had bronchitis- although I did wonder how back pain causes a fever! I got medication for the back and it revealed the level of the other illness.

I suppose that can be a metaphor for life, right? We get so caught up in the debilitating pain of what we think God has "done to us" or at the very least "allowed" in our lives that we can miss the reality that we are choking on something else entirely!

I don't think that it is a coincidence that I got sooo sick the same week I had planned to fast. I have found a few times recently that when I feel like God is planning something big, and I am intentional about getting alongside what God is doing, that I will randomly get sick. When I say randomly..... I mean RANDOMLY! I few months ago, everything was great... feeling good, the morning of the encounter weekend, I woke up with a mild fever and a weak feeling. I was determined to be there because I knew what God was going to be doing, so I persevered. I am hesitant to give the enemy too much credit, however, I do think that we need to be alert to his schemes.

I have a sense that this year is going to be huge.. another level of what God did last year. There is an urgency I can't quite explain. Like even now on the 4th of January, I see that in a few weeks it will be Easter, and then May, and then all of a sudden I know that we will be facing another Winter. It is strange that this sense of urgency is combined with a willingness to invest the time into getting something right. If it takes 3 months for the next step, than that is how long it will take. I don't feel like it is a long time. I am not explaining this well.....

I have a feeling that by the end of January there will be a lot more clarity, and that there is something major coming in March.

Hold on tight, it's gonna a 'fun'!!!

A little at a time

2007-12-27T20:18:00.001-05:00

At the end of each year, I have compiled my Blog posts into one big document so that if something happens with the website, or just so that I can see the sum total of my effort.

To date, my blog entries make up 151 pages at 12 point font and contain 63310 words! Isn't that crazy. I suppose that it just goes to show you what can be done with consistency. Many blog posts are less than a page.

I am working on a project where I will need to choose 2 or 3 of the 'best'from this year.....

Any suggestions?

Amazing God

2007-12-27T19:24:00.000-05:00

We serve an amazing God!

For Christmas I recieved the BBC's Series called Planet Earth. It is amazingly shot and beautifully put together. There are stories of animals that I didn't even know existed!!!

While watching each episode, I am amazed by the creativity and overwhelming plan of our Creator. I am reminded that He takes care of all of our needs.

Just for Fun

2007-12-24T14:16:00.000-05:00

So I have been asked a number of times this year about who I would like to smooch under the mistle-toe. I always have a hard time choosing, because I am not one to smooch just anyone. Lori asked for ONE person but, since its Christmas, and its MY BLOG, and I make the rules... AND because there is no one in my life to offend with this, I have a LIST (plus I couldn't just pick one.... the world is my Oyster. Enjoy

All of them are my favourites for different reasons and in different seasons...

I will let you figure out which one I am referring to here!!

A delectible selection don't you think??? Hope, I KNOW that you like the baldies!

In doing this exercise, I may have discovered something about my "type" I didnt think that I had one, but... maybe I do!! I am sure that there are many many many who should be on this list but who have escaped my thinking but this is a good start!!

If it was....

2007-12-24T13:48:00.001-05:00

If you knew this was going to be your last Christmas, what would be most important aspects that you would insist were present? What about if you knew someone you loved wouldn't celebrate another? What then?

I suppose it is a melancholy question for such a wonderful time of year, however, we are a nation involved in conflicts around the world, and not everyone has the luxury of oblivious abandon assuming that this is going to be like every other Christmas, and that there will be many more.

Statistics would likely tell us that at least one of the people who reads this post will experience some sort of loss between now and Christmas 2008. I wonder, as we go into this day, would you be happy with the memories you made?

This hits particularly close to home this year as a few people I know are preparing to deploy to Afghanistan next August, the reality is that they will not be home next Christmas, and as hard as we pray, and as much as we hope, it is also possible that this could be their last Christmas. I wonder if they are doing anything differently this year? A friend of mine told me that his whole family was going to be away this Christmas, it wasn't until later that I wondered if there was more to this trip than just a 'change of pace'.

I ask this not to put a damper on your Christmas celebrations, rather it is my hope that this sobering thought will make you stop for a moment and appreciate all that you have right now.

I challenge you, make a memory this Christmas, one that would be enough to get you through forever.... I would wager a guess that what makes those types of memories is not as much about what sits UNDER the tree, as WHO sits around it.

If you or someone you know is deployed... know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

p.s. I KNOW you!

2007-12-23T18:30:00.000-05:00

There are few things that render me speechless, one of those things is an intensely emotional experience. Occasionally a movie will be so profound in its emotional storyline, that I need time to process it before I can speak about it. There are those experiences that make you feel like you want to go home, curl up in bed and just cry because you have spent the last few hours holding in the depth of emotions because one just doesn't blubber in public. I had one of those experiences today, I went to see P.S. I Love You. Watch the movie trailer and you will get a pretty good idea about the story.

I usually avoid girly movies like the plague, I find that they are not good for my heart, especially 2 days before Christmas!! I don't need to see another Hollywoodized story about 2 people falling in love. I much prefer the simplicity of men blowing stuff up and saving the world in the process! Somehow though, I found myself agreeing to go with a friend who desperately wanted to see it. The premise of the story is that a woman's husband dies, and after his death she begins to receive letters from him that he has preplanned that walk her through the grieving process and encourage her to get back into life. They are all signed PS, I love you!

Knowing that this might be a hard movie to watch, I began to pray, I prayed that my heart would not be pierced, and that I would be able to see the beauty in the story and hear from God about His love for me and to enjoy the story without taking it home with me- after all its just a movie.

I immediately had an amazing peace about the whole thing-and a realization. I realized that for the last 6 months or so, God has, essentially been walking me through a process of changing my life. Every once in a while, I find myself in obedience, doing something that I never thought I would do, something that God has called me to do. I have been walking this path of rediscovering what life should be, and more than that, WHO God is. In this process there have been moments of grieving the life that I knew, in order to step into what's next; and moments of extreme exhileration as I take on a new challenge; and there are moments of uncertainty but faith in the plan of God. Each of these emotions are encapsulated in the movie. I have never lost a spouse to death, nor have I ever truly fallen in love, but I caught glimpses of my life within the context of the storyline.

There was also a whisper in my ear that He has written me love letters, and He speaks and guides us through. Oftentimes, what hurts the most about being single is not feeling KNOWN, I suppose that the best love stories include some element of KNOWING one another at a level that leaves the rest of the world out......

BUT GOD....

He knows me, there is none who can know me more totally than God.

There were a few points in the story that made me want to blubber, because they were good points in the story, but there were a few moments that were just for me from God.... I just know it.

One of the lines in one of the letters reads something like "When you don't see the best of you, try seeing you through my eyes", wow, imagine if we could see ourselves through God's eyes.

In another scene, she has to sing Karaoke (it's in the trailer) and when she gets up to sing we look over her shoulder into the audience, and the crowd is gone, replaced in her mind with him, just him and she sings just to him. I want so much for EVERYTHING that I do, to be for an audience of One. When you know that someone knows you completely, and it totally on your side, and when you know that your vulnerabilities are safe with them, not only do I think that is the truest love, but I think that you can accomplish ANYTHING....

I suppose that the only One who can completely know us is God, He is the only One who is totally on our side, and only in His hands are we absolutely safe. So, I suppose He is the only choice that makes any sense at all!

P.S..........

Global Warming???

2007-12-19T21:20:00.001-05:00

Really???

This is the sidewalk carved out of 2 feet of snow.........

We have had MORE snow this winter already than we had ALL season last year. Here are some pictures of the aftermath of a major storm...

This is my car......

This is my roommate's car

But I thought this was it!

2007-12-17T00:21:00.001-05:00

I often get asked the question "How do I know if what I heard was from God or if it was just me?" There are so many circumstances in our lives where in the moment we are certain we "heard from God", and sometimes these things work out and sometimes they don't. When they don't, we just assume that we didn't hear from God.

This summer I had 2 situations in my life, major life-changing situations where I KNEW I heard from God. These were the types of situations where real things were at stake. Those scary moments where the trajectory of your life can change dramatically, and you really don't want to get it wrong.

One of the situations didn't resolve itself in the way that I thought it would based on what I thought I heard, and by proxy, I assumed that I also hadn't heard from God on what really is the more important situation. It threw me into a spin unlike anything I have ever experienced. Talk about a shaking of my faith. Not my faith in God, but my faith in my ability to hear from God-and HONEY! If you shake my faith in my ability to hear from God, I am sunk. Imagine Peter standing on the gunwhale of the boat, preparing to step onto the water and he wonders "what if that isn't Jesus?"

In talking about the suddnelies of God Jay talked about the time in between the promise and the fulfillment. But lets back it up one more step..... how do I know if what I think is from the Lord, and is it a PROMISE???

We have all heard the story that Katie Holmes knew somewhere deep in her heart that she would marry Tom Cruise one day. When they were preparing to get married, this was a romantic tidbit that got everyone's heart pumping, and we all were inspired to dream a little bigger- which is good. But what about the other 100 million women of all ages who have had that same thought (most of them are now singing "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers!), but for whom that obviously didn't come true? If these were Christians, would we say that all the other women didn't hear from God?

In Ottawa there is a certain Christian, single, hockey player who is well known, and at some point in EVERY conversation with every single chrisitan woman, this name comes up, and most of the time if a married friend (usually a husband of a married friend) asks about prospects for me, this person's name ALWAYS comes up. There are literally thousands of women and hundreds of Christian woman who are CONVINCED that they are this guy's future wife. They obviously can't all be right...(Besides, we have claimed him for my friend so the rest can just back off!!)... but they ALL think that they heard from God.

This is just one example of this dilemma. So if we are to base our hope on the promise of God for our lives, how can we know that we know that we know that we have heard from Him in the first place?

Faith and Hope

2007-12-17T00:07:00.000-05:00

Today we had an amazing service despite the brutal weather! Jay preached an amazing message about the suddenlies of God. If there is anything in your life that you are waiting for... download it!

One of the thoughts was about faith, hope, and love.

I got thinking, what is the difference between faith and hope?

The biggest deferred dream of my heart, as you already know, is that of a spouse and family of my own. In the meantime, though, I am working hard to seek first the kingdom of God, and to find a place of contentment. As with anything that you are waiting for, there is a tension between the anticipation, and not letting what is not yet, distract you from what is now. God has a purpose for each day and if we are seduced by the idea of what will happen tomorrow, we will not learn what we need to learn today, and we miss out on so many things in the now. So we walk this tightrope of hope.... or is it faith?

Sometimes in this battle to find the middle ground, I can be very hard on myself. I think sometimes that if there continues to be hope in what is ahead that it means that I am not content in the now. So I have been working to discipline my mind to stay in the now... except it is crippling my ability to dream big dreams but when I dream big dreams... they include the things that I am hoping for.

All that to say that sometimes high hopes can be misinterpreted as lack of faith! Does that make any sense? Almost like, if I trusted God fully, I wouldn't have the need to rely on the hope.

This is one of those things that is going to twist me around for a few days.

Here's the question then....
what is the difference between faith and hope? and how do you balance the two?

Like Arsenic

2007-12-13T18:17:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I was watching the movie "Amazing Grace" about the British Parliamentarian who worked hard to abolish the slave trade. There was one scene that really caught my heart. Early on in the movie, one of the characters staked a slave in a poker game. Wilberforce was disgusted and walked away from the money he had played already, refusing to be party to such conduct.

As he stepped outside, one of his friends followed and asked about his reaction saying "you've seen slavery before" and Wilberforce's response was "yes, but like arsenic every small dose doubles the effect".

My immediate thought was, "OH God, make that true in my life, that every small dose of something that is repugnant in Your sight has double the negative on my life each time I encounter it."

If we had that response, it wouldn't take long before we stand up and fight for that which is reprehensible to God. I would deal much more ruthlessly with the sin in my life. I want the sin in my heart, and the poor choices I make, to cause illness in my soul, so that there would come a change. It is only when we truly experience sin's stench that we cut it out of our lives.

Kings....

2007-12-11T22:04:00.000-05:00

1 Samuel 15:17 & 18; 22-23 (English Standard Version)

17And Samuel said, "Though you are little in your own eyes, are you not the head of the tribes of Israel? The LORD anointed you king over Israel. 18And the LORD sent you on a mission and said

22And Samuel said, "Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams.23For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry.Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has also rejected you from being king."

In this passage, Samuel is speaking to Saul. He exhorts Saul to think on a bigger scale. Saul knows that he is the King, yet he fails to act like a king. Is it possible that we are called by God to be kings? We are joint-heirs with the King of Kings, last time I checked that makes us kings and queens.

Is my vision too small?? What has God called me to conquer? What authority have I been given that I have failed to claim? How sad would it be to get to heaven, and have God say, you had the authority to conquer, and yet all you did was to play the part. You didn’t step into the fullness.

The Bible says that we have the authority to cast out demons…. Why are those around me still subject to the bondage of addiction?

The Bible says that we have the authority to speak to mountains and they will be made low…. Why are there mountain ranges in my way called debt, and disease, and bitterness?

The Bible says that we can speak to the blind and they will see, the deaf will hear and the lame will walk… why do family members still not believe, they are blind to God’s love, deaf to His words, and limping from the weapons of the enemy?

What is it going to take for me to stand in the authority that God has given me?
Do you think of yourself as a King?

Do you have a King's purpose?

Thoughts on Mercy

2007-12-10T15:02:00.000-05:00

1 Samuel 12:20-25 (English Standard Version)
20And Samuel said to the people, "Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart. 21And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. 22For the LORD will not forsake his people, for his great name’s sake, because it has pleased the LORD to make you a people for himself. 23Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you, and I will instruct you in the good and the right way. 24 Only fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart. For consider what great things he has done for you. 25But if you still do wickedly, you shall be swept away, both you and your king."

What an amazing example of the mercy of God. In the middle of hearing directly from the Lord, the Israelites disobey, and what does God do? He says… you don’t have to perfect to come to me and be my people. Obviously, we need to strive to do what is right, however, God knows that we are going to fail and fall. Sometimes, even our most earnest intentions to do good for God, can lead us astray. In this, Samuel promises to continue to pray for the people of God, he takes upon himself the responsibility to instruct the people of God.

As a person who still has a lot to learn about the things of God, it is nice to know that not only does God not write me off every time I make a dumb decision, but also, He provides for me teachers who will look beyond what they see, to see what God has called them to.

I have been the recipient of so much good teaching, amazing people, mentors, parents, and friends further along in this life, who see my growth and success as something that they are called to invest in. I don’t take their guidance lightly, in fact, I am deeply humbled when someone takes time to guide me.

It becomes then, my turn to pour into those coming up behind. I take on as my responsibility their growth, and their best. How amazing is God, that we don’t need to have everything figured out, in order to be used by Him. We can, simultaneously be both teacher and student.

How amazing...

2007-12-05T23:16:00.001-05:00

I was reading this morning and this caught my heart

1 Samuel 2
Hannah’s Prayer
1And Hannah prayed and said,
"My heart exults in the LORD;
my strength is exalted in the LORD.
My mouth derides my enemies,
because I rejoice in your salvation.

2 "There is none holy like the LORD;
there is none besides you;
there is no rock like our God.

3 Talk no more so very proudly,
let not arrogance come from your mouth;
for the LORD is a God of knowledge,
and by him actions are weighed.

4 The bows of the mighty are broken,
but the feeble bind on strength.

5 Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread,
but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger.
The barren has borne seven,
but she who has many children is forlorn.

6 The LORD kills and brings to life;
he brings down to Sheol and raises up.

7 The LORD makes poor and makes rich;
he brings low and he exalts.

8 He raises up the poor from the dust;
he lifts the needy from the ash heap
to make them sit with princes
and inherit a seat of honor.
For the pillars of the earth are the LORD’s,
and on them he has set the world.

9 "He will guard the feet of his faithful ones,
but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness,
for not by might shall a man prevail.

10 The adversaries of the LORD shall be broken to pieces;
against them he will thunder in heaven.
The LORD will judge the ends of the earth;
he will give strength to his king
and exalt the power of his anointed."

God of the Garden

2007-12-04T16:48:00.001-05:00

God's amazing character and love is unfathomable.

It doesn't matter how many times we approach the throne of God, we can never get to a point where we can say "That's it, I know everything about God".

In the Old Testament, God is most often seen as God of the Mountain. He is up away from the masses, speaking to Moses, or in the Tabernacle hidden behind the Veil in the "Holy of Holies"- a place where priests go once per year to commune directly with God. If they have not properly attoned for their sins, they die.This is the power of God. The majestic, awe-inspiring God. This is God of the mountain.

As most of you know, in Genesis, before He was the mountain-dweller, He was God of the Garden. Genesis says that "Adam walked with God in the cool of the day". They chatted like the friends that they were.

I have noticed that some of my closest friends all have something in common. I have walked with them, in the cool of the day, beside a river or a lake, and gotten to know them. Something happens in those moments, as 2 people walk side-by-side, sharing the beauty of creation a bond develops that goes deeper than the average 'coffee talk'.

There are moments in my life with God that are Garden moments. Time to just enjoy one another's presence. One of these "gardens" is the monthly Refuel event that happens at The Life Centre. This is a chance to just get in close to God's heart and worship.

In the past few months, those 'walks in the garden' have developed in me the truest sense I have ever had of my identity in God.

The Old Testament

2007-12-04T15:40:00.000-05:00

Recently, I took a course called "Introduction to the Old and New Testaments"

One of the essay questions asks "What have you learned as a result of taking this course?"
Here is part of my answer to that.

I have known all the stories for my whole life, yet to see how they interacted in the big picture of God is so amazing. It gives me another piece of the puzzle of who God is.

Every moment of Scripture is meant to bring us to an understanding of His character. I have never thought of the Old Testament as anything more than some gory stories, a bunch of rules, some poems and a few nuggets in Proverbs, and I often wondered what purpose it all served-apart from setting the groundwork for the “real” story-the New Testament. Now, I see the character of God in the midst of it. I have come to know the character of God in a new way. Recently, in direct relation to what I was learning in this course, I began an aggressive reading schedule for the Bible, starting from Genesis, and for the first time ever, the love story of God calls to me. I am driven to consume it more and more. Something has changed in me!

As I was reading the detailed descriptions of the tabernacle, and what they needed to have done, and what God was instructing, I began to ask Him questions such as: “Lord, why would it matter the order of the stones on the Ephod of the priests, isn’t there more important stuff to worry about?” The response that came was “I am intimately interested in all the ‘mundane’ details of your life, because everything you do is important to me”. He took the time to teach His people everything that they needed to know about how to approach Him. There is a provision for every question that they might have encountered.

I have always known the love of God, but sometimes it has felt as though He is the God of the mountaintop, rather than the God in the garden, seeing the Bible in a new way though, has reminded me of how much work He does to be in relationship with us.

Like errant children He repeatedly gives the Israelite people direct, and specific direction regarding how they are to live, and tells them even how to be successful in their relationship with Him. They repeatedly let him down, but God is merciful, and He goes to them, sends a redeemer, and repeats His commands, and blesses them, and the cycle repeats. In all the times that He threatens to wipe them out, He still manages to find someone who is righteous. He gives use every opportunity to be successful, in the NT Jesus has so much patience with the disciples who walked with Him, and who witnessed the miracles He performed, yet when they doubt, or question, or act rashly, He doesn’t throw up His hands and walk away.

So how does this change me? As with any relationship, the more you know about the character of a person, the better the relationship. When you are talking about the Lover of my Soul, knowing more about His character changes me because it causes me to fall deeper in love with Him. The resulting effect in this case is: the more I know, the more I WANT to know. It has become a catalyst for deeper intimacy with God, and that will change you everyday.

I see more than ever before, the unchanging character of God. Since He was willing to feed a whining people, He will take care of me. Since He saw that in the midst of everything, Job stayed firm, I do not doubt Him in my circumstances. Since He made a way even before the dawn of time, today His grace is enough, and that is life-changing truth.

With Friends like These

2007-12-03T09:16:00.000-05:00

This weekend I was honoured to attend a Christmas party that was hosted out of town. We drove about 2 hours for dinner, and then came back the same night.

I gotta tell you, I wouldn't just drive 4 hours round trip for just anyone. The funny thing was, out of the 20 people that were there, 16 had driven up that day for dinner. They brought their kids, they brought food, and they brought cookie. What is it about this couple that inspires people to be willing to drive all that way?

Their home has such a warmth to it, and a peace within the walls. In spite of the busyness of 20 people including kids, there was never a feeling of crowdedness. At one point, as often happens, everyone was crammed in the kitchen. I LOVE that. We all just found a place sort of out of the way of the pre-dinner prep, and leaned against the wall and chatted. It just felt like HOME.

It was the perfect way to kick off the Christmas season! In everything that I host this season, I want to foster that feeling for my guests and family...

What are you looking forward to most with Christmas coming?

Layer upon Layer

2007-11-25T23:36:00.001-05:00

One of the rarest commodities in this busy, detacted, distracted world is the feeling of safety. For some reason, that I am trying to understand, safety is very imporant to me, maybe moreso than for others. This need for safety goes beyond feeling physically safe, I need to feel safe with the character of the people around me, to know that there are people around that I can call if I am upset, or lost.. or if I get a couch stuck in my stairwell and end up with holes in the drywall!

Sometimes as a single woman there can be times when I have felt all alone in an ocean with no land in sight. Except I am NOT alone, and I realized somewhat suddenly, that I DON'T feel all alone!! There have been numerous occasions lately where I have felt completely safe.

Parents who remind me they are praying for God's best
A friend who is ready to fight on my behalf
Sisters in Christ who take a risk to speak truth, even if it might hurt a little!
A cousin who comes to fix what is broken
Friends who offer to carry a heavy load
A pastor who shares from his heart every week
A woman of God who takes the time to invest
A brother in Christ who dealt gently with my heart and protected my dignity
A gentleman who ensures all the women in our group have a seat
Friends who surround each other with their prayers

Most of all:

God who has a plan and a purpose for my life
God who sends just the right person to speak just the right words
God who gently but persistently speaks of who He is, and who He wants to be for me.

I am so grateful for the layers upon layers of safety, that God has been showing me the results of His conspiracy in my life. I am reminded that no matter what seems to be in front of me, my heart, and life are safe in God's hands.

Undivided Hearts

2007-11-22T19:56:00.001-05:00

It is the desire of my heart to have the single women in Life Centre will be in a place of contentment with this stage of the life. No matter what your long term desire is regarding marriage, there can be a place of contentment where the desire is not removed but where our eyes are looking in a different direction and we are no longer crippled by that desire.

This begins with the realization that God’s definition of Who we are in HIM, actually doesn’t have anything to do with the titles that we put upon ourselves. I am taking a group of single women through a book study. We are calling this session “undivided hearts”. We want to get to a place where we are undivided in our hearts toward God, that nothing would ever pull our attention away from God.
As a leader, this is my heartbeat.....
Romans 1: 11-12
11 I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong— 12that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith.
As a Christian, this is my desire.......
2 Cor 3:18
18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.No matter who we are or what we tasked to do in our lives, we are called to live reflecting the Glory of God….
I think sometimes the challenge is the “unveiled faces” part. In order to be totally unveiled requires a confidence in the face behind the veil. As we lift the veils it is natural to be afraid that some might not like what lies beneath, but as we each take that step we will see that behind each veil lies extreme beauty mixed with the occasional scar of life.

If I know that you have scars and you know that I have scars together we can be unveiled in safety. Let’s walk through this together as we encounter God and stand before Him with Unveiled faces. It is our desire to bring the light of the glory of God to our world and we know that is accomplished best when we stand unveiled before Him.